In a surprise move Sunday, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, announced his retirement citing that after thousands of years of initiating pestilence, wars, catastrophes and general mayhem, he was ready for a break.
“The job wears you down.” the Great Evil One said in a rare interview yesterday. “The fun goes out of it after a while. It is time to turn it over to some one new to run.”
That new person he has chosen is Dick Cheney, our beloved ex-head of the United States, oops, ex- President of Vice of the United States. “He has what it takes,” stated Satan proudly. “connivingness, utter lack of respect for general humanity, ruthlessness, heartlessness, aggressive selfishness- the guy is a gem! He has all the best of all the basic qualities needed to be the harbinger of misery on earth!”
The appointment of a new Satan, although unprecedented in history, must be approved by a tribunal of demons, much like the new Catholic Pope being given the rubber stamp OK by the Vatican’s bevy of bishops. Although this might sound rather democratic for Hell, it is actually just the little guys making sure that their boss is up to the job.
So far, all the demons are giving the thumb’s up to Cheney. “It is a job that will take a soul of incredible asshole abilities to do and I think Cheney is the one for it. It almost like he has 666 stamped on his forehead.” stated Chezubatitle, a minor demon clerk in the accounting section.
Cheney himself had this to say; “If granted the job I will fulfill my obligation to the best of my ability. It will mean taking a cut in pay from what I get from Halliburton under the table, but the idea of having such unbelievablepower over others makes it worthwhile. It is actually the sort of job I would do for free just for the fun of it!”
When asked what characteristic flaws Cheney might have to overcome for the role Satan mentioned “He’ll have to quit going easy on people. If waterboarding and shooting a friend in the face is the best he can come up with then he’s in for a long apprenticeship. He’s got to get rid of this Mr. Nice Guy hangup he has. I’ve got to toughen him up. I’ll have him up to flaying alive and using iron maidens in no time.”
Cheney is already adjusting to the new job. Neighbors of his complain about the smell of sulfur drifting from his place. The future Great Evil One has already changed his letterhead to read “Mr. Satan, Esquire”.
ADDENDUM: Although many requests were made, mostly from gonzoed out stoners, for Ozzy Osbourne to take the role, he was not even considered. Although Mr. Osbourne took upon the title “The Prince Of Darkness”, it waspretty much agreed that he was way too far gone for the job.