Month: October 2009
Disabled Tortoise Saved from Rubbish Tip
A 30-year-old disabled tortoise (ingrown toenails and harelip), unwittingly sent to a landfill site with its owner’s rubbish, has been found alive. Sheldrake, a greater-crested Galapagos tortoise, owned by Gladys Hawksbill of Scumbridge Gardens in Smegmashire, climbed into a bin…
Ask Hank: Dating without Restraints
I have a question for Hank. How can I meet women that aren’t psycho? Do I have to send it in through email or is this OK? -Max in Maryland Dear Max, First, just want to confirm that you can…
Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon
A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly going to the gym and appearing as a potential zillionaire investor on the BBC’s Dragon’s Den programme has been jailed for 18 months and ordered to repay £20 million in benefit claims….
Streisand Auctions Random Crap to Pay for 9th Nose Job
Fux News channel reports that rap singer and amateur actress Barbra Streisand has been selling clothes, movie costumes, personal sex toys, autographed erotic pantywear and items of garden furniture at a Los Angeles car boot auction due moving to a…
Fruitcake—Alternative Fuel Source?
Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive…
NHS Mobile Heart Surgery Scheme Wins Kudos
Like most people with any modicum of common sense Hector McTwat has an innate fear and loathing of hospitals – especially so with the current scourge of MRSA and other flesh-eating necrotic infections patients seem to catch while in any…
Horny Goat Weed Sex Romp Homicide Attempt
A Smegmadale-on-Sea woman lured her 94-year old pensioner husband into the dark, deep woods with promises of a wild, drug-fuelled sex romp then slit his throat and left him for dead so she could rendezvous with a cyber-lover she had…
Obama & His Merry Men Seek to Shake-Down Wall Street
The White House has leaked what costumes the Obamas will be wearing at the annual White House Halloween Ball. The President has chosen to be Robin Hood, and Mrs. President will become Maid Marian. The theme for the ball this…
Obama Throws Down Twitter Challenge
New York/Washington Video Cam PR Conference —Today, in a remarkable change of all the GOP’s previous protocols and party planning pow-wows, GOP Head Tit (some say ‘teat’) Rush Limbaugh and Sen. John Boehner aired the first of their many planned…