You Can Take a Hike

You Can Take a HikeLately, whenever someone invites me to go hiking, my response is usually: “You can take a hike.”That’s because, I really don’t care for hiking.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy. Okay, maybe that’s a lie. But I used to take long walking excursions all the time. It’s one of my wife’s favorite leisure activities – so much so that she snuck it into our wedding vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish you – and take annoyingly long, arduous hikes into mosquito-infested woods in the middle of nowhere – so long as we both shall live” I probably should have read over our vows a bit more carefully, but young love makes you say yes to the craziest things.

I’ve endured tons of treks over my lifetime. I’ve scaled summits of the Rocky Mountains (well, the summit of the visitors’ information stations, at least). I’ve toured all over Europe for two months, with nothing more than a backpack and my sister (to carry my backpack). I’ve run several 10K races and even completed a marathon – that’s 26 miles – and at the end, all I got was a t-shirt. So, don’t tell me I’ve not put in my share of hard miles on foot.

But hiking is not that much fun for me anymore, in part because I have osteoarthritis in both knees – which, personally, I blame on my wife, for making me join her on so many walkabouts over the past 35 years.

I don’t get the appeal of the activity. Hear me out. You want me to walk for hours, usually in the middle of a forest, so the view is totally obscured by trees and boulders and nature. Then, to make matters worse, after reaching my destination five miles later, there’s never a Starbucks. I’m stuck in no man’s land with no cell phone reception, so I have no idea what the game score is. I’m utterly exhausted and my knees are throbbing. But wait! We’re not done with the fun yet. My ordeal is only half over, because to get back to civilization, I have to cover the exact same route in reverse. I guess if you’re a masochist, I totally get the appeal.

Even my wife sometimes concludes that jaunts into the woods can be become a little repetitive. That’s why she likes to add a little challenge by choosing trails with altitude gains of say, 2,500 feet. “Trust me,” she promises. “When you get to the summit, it’s breathtaking.” Well, she’s right about that part. By the time we reach the peak, I’m totally out of breath. And she’s usually right about the view, too. Truly stunning – if you don’t mind staring into a cloud bank with an unobstructed view of fog in every direction.

You Can Take a HikeI actually would not mind scaling mountains and foraging through forests if they could just figure a way to do it without all that walking. If you want to explore the Grand Canyon in a golf cart, then I’m totally in. Call me.

The other annoying thing about this pastime is that it’s often accompanied by another terrible idea – camping. As if walking for miles at a stretch with no couch to rest on wasn’t bad enough! Add to it sleeping on rocks in a cocoon with bugs assaulting you all night, and not even an outhouse but a bush which I invariably must scramble to in total darkness at 3:00 a.m. What part of this spells fun?

Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you heard about hikers on the news? It’s never good. The report usually goes like this: “Two hikers have been missing since Saturday. They were last seen taking photos of a momma grizzly and her three cubs. Details at eleven.”

I realize that it’s politically incorrect to whine about hiking. After all, I live in the Pacific Northwest, America’s mecca for wilderness treks, with not one but two major mountain ranges: the Olympics and the Cascades. Hiking is practically a religion here. People in Seattle wear their hiking gear all the time, because they never know when a buddy will show up out of nowhere and invite them to hit the Pacific Crest Trail. Even when they’re just going to grab a latte, they’re donning their Patagonia garb: a long-sleeve flannel shirt, parka vest and wool hat (in August). Very chic.

You Can Take a HikeI still own all the required gear: cramped boots, bug spray, pepper spray (for the cougars I’ll invariably meet), my 1974 Mets World Series Champions cap, a rusty Army surplus canteen that can hold up to 64 ounces of diet Pepsi, and a three-year supply of GORP my wife bought at Costco in 2005. I am prepared.

So, don’t summon me to your next six-hour pilgrimage into Lost Hombre National Park unless you plan to buy me a steak dinner afterwards.

Hardcore backpacking enthusiasts love to point out that it’s not about the destination; It’s about the journey. Let me politely say, those people are idiots. If I’m going to haul a 20-pound pack over six miles of crags and stumps up 3,000-feet, there had better be a rainbow-colored waterfall or an erupting volcano at the end of the trail – or a 7-Eleven. I’d settle for that.

As much as it is no longer my thing, I’m sure I’ll accompany my wife on many more explores in the years to come. Because I love my wife, and I know this gives her great happiness. And because when we get back to civilization, I’ll get to watch the Mariners in my massaging recliner, chugging a Mountain Dew on the rocks. My kind of rocks.

 

 

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Welcome to Portland

[The following is a message from the Portland, Oregon Visitors’ Bureau.]

Welcome to Portland, Oregon, America’s Most Liberal City.

If you’re planning to spend a few days in the Rose City, we at the Portland Visitor’s Bureau would like to offer a few friendly suggestions to help make your stay as pleasant as possible. Read more Welcome to Portland

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Documentary 2,000 Miles to Maine Fails to Suck

I regularly accept requests to review films and do so with boisterous glee. Hollywood is afraid of my brutal honesty but, once out of the “Golden State” of California the fear dissipates and my poignant slams are more graciously accepted. But then I get ambitious, underfunded, granola-laden documentary and I’m giddy as a schoolgirl thinking, “Tearing bad boy apart should be easy.”

Documentary 2,000 Miles to Maine Fails to SuckI sat down to watch it, pen in hand, anxious to bring to humorous light the many painful shortcomings and unintentional self-mocking… yes, I really do much of my writing with a pen but that’s not the point. The sound was okay, the composition was fine, even the back music fit in well. Ten minutes into the film, frustrated, I threw down my notepad and committed to just watching it

The film 2,000 Miles to Maine documents hikers attempting to trek the 2155-mile Appalachian trail from Georgia to Maine highlighting the difficulties and improbabilities involved in walking mountain trails in all weather, traversing more states than most people ever even get to see. I didn’t know there were interstate hiking trails and, admittingly, it’s a pretty romantic notion for sure.

As the trek and the film progress (both “northward” if I can use that to mean both “to the North” and “for the better). I did find the very few things I had expected to humorously poke fun at, though each came around as intended devices to the film. Many featured hikers gave up (Aha, I got something!) but they’re mostly followed up with. Unlike most documentaries it lacks the ever-present narrator and, once again, my would-be Aha! moment dissolved again as I realized that made me actually judge the speakers rather than rely upon the disembodied voice to tell me what to think.

As it winded to a close I was prepared with my anger. Nothing to mock is a mocker of me as a satirist (or cynic, if you prefer). Not to be outdone by a single DVD of any [non-pornographic] sort (those have always been my undoing and outdoing indeed), I steeled myself for the impending slam as it must surely follow.

In the final moments the triumphs of human spirit brought out in low-tech straight forward, real-life ways, my own inadequacies as a social aggressor seemed insignificant. Watching the trail end without fanfare, without outside praise but rather with overwhelming personal success and gratification gave me hope in the spirit and steadfast resolve of mankind. It’s almost tear-jerking, honestly.

If a dude with a backpack and cast-titanium resolve can walk the Eastern Seaboard, he can do anything! If he can do anything, so can I! Yes, I can make a mockery of film.
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Of course, walking to Maine takes 4-7 months to do, and so shall my insult to film come. Give me ’til sometime early 2005 and my comical review will surely be forthcoming, unless of course, like 90% of those who attempt the Appalachian Trail, I give up the hike. In the meantime though, I will be watching film again. In fact, if there was a 2000 Miles to Maine book, I’d buy it too. Sometimes I feel sucked into self-doubt, but was singly the most uplifting true story I’ve seen since The Rookie and didn’t even have baseball in it.

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