Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say
Dateline: VATICAN—Experts agree that Pope Francis has made a concerted effort to change people’s impression of the Catholic Church, by adopting a less ostentatious style of public relations, leading non-Christians and Christians alike to be astonished that a Christian in…
Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line
FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy…
Toy Mandibles Empower Weak-Jawed Masses
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—There’s a hot new product that’s flying off the shelves. It’s called Gravitas Jaws and it consists of a crude plastic mandible bone that’s worn over your lower jaw like a beard, except that this piece of plastic…
Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep & Sex as Irrational!
Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational. “Religious faith is clearly…
New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game
You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other. It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate…
TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger
In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the…
Talking Points Should be Delivered to Empty Rooms, Politicians and Journalists Agree
Dateline: WASHINGTON—At an unprecedented conference yesterday on relations between journalism and democratic government, Washington correspondents together with congressional leaders and the President reached an understanding about their public communications: from now on, the politician will deliver his or her talking…
Gun Makers Pissed Shoop Mall Shooting Only Kills Himself
American Arms Manufacturers are upset that a man had the audacity to enter a mall, shoot it up, and not intentionally hit anyone else other than himself. On Nov. 3rd 20 year old Richard Shoop entered the New Jersey Garden…
NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet
NEW YORK — In an effort to cut down on the growing number of concussions suffered by players, the National Football League has announced plans to adopt a new, official helmet design that will feature an 11-inch steel spike mounted…
America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time
WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a…