America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a second time, adding: “buck up.”

“America, is it really so difficult for you to act like an
adult for once? I mean for goodness sake, you’re
three-hundred-and-thirty-six-years-old going on
three. Cool it.” – George Washington.
Image credit: public domain.
“Nation, you’d better listen and listen good, because I’ll be damned if I have to tell you again,” he yelled Monday. “Stop getting on everyone’s nerves or there will be hell to pay.”

The retired general insists that “he has about had it up to here” with all of the cross-party bickering and just wants the country to knuckle down and concentrate hard on electing a president without resorting to loud and obnoxious behavior.

“America, is it really so difficult for you to act like an adult for once?” He continued. “I mean for goodness sake, you’re three-hundred-and-thirty-six-years-old going on three. Cool it.”

Mr. Washington went on to say that if he hears one more word about “the right to life,” “the sanctity of marriage” or “birth certificates” he won’t think twice about giving the nation what for.

“If I’ve told you once, America, I’ve told you a thousand times: people have a right to believe what they want to believe – whether this be a certain religion, lifestyle or political ideology – and you have no right to tell them different. Now, get!”

The nation’s behavior has reportedly caused Mr. Washington a great deal of public embarrassment in recent months, something that the first president of The United States says he is not going to simply sweep under the carpet.

“You’ve made a mockery of me in front of 203 other countries,” he continued. “Just the other day, I was having to apologize to the nations of France and Germany because you had to go and run your mouth and make unfounded remarks about socialism. I won’t stand for it any longer, America.”

“If the European Union, with everything it is going through right now, can sit down and discuss things in a civilized fashion, then why can’t you?,” continued Washington. “You simply have no respect for other people’s feelings. I have had it!”

Meanwhile, at press time, America has reportedly been banished to its bedroom where it has been firmly advised to think seriously about its recent actions.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

1 thought on “America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

  1. Funny stuff! I like Washington’s Ned Flanders-style diction. But I wonder whether this article would have been even funnier if the ghost of Washington were forced to undermine himself, by copping to the fact that he became president because of his wealth which was created on the backs of his nearly 300 slaves. This sort of slapping of Americans’ faces might be expected to come more from the fairytale of George Washington which people today might have in mind, but in reality Washington couldn’t have objected to the current American plutocracy without pretty much apologizing for his entire life which got that ball rolling.

    Check out the article, “They Spawned the 1 percent: How Washington and Lincoln explain inequality today,” by Edward McClelland, at

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