Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic
Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high…
U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes
WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human…
President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades
Washington, D.C. – Most people consider the Boston Red Sox trade of future baseball god Babe Ruth for a cash loan to finance the No, No, Nanette musical to be the worst trade of all time. But No, No, Nanette,…
Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast
TOLEDO – Zed Rigby, 65, a life-long computer game enthusiast, died in his home in Toledo, Ohio last Monday. Mr. Rigby leaves behind no family or actual friends, but a number of his virtual friends are now engaged in virtual…
Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”
WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.” Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to…
Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness
SAN DIEGO, CA. The brutal conflict between traditional, moderate fitness aficionados at franchise gyms and the growing radical Crossfit movement escalated tragically yesterday, as a suicide bomb exploded in a 24-Hour Fitness in the LaJolla neighborhood of San Diego, killing…
Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People
ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail. Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began…
Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out
Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation. Carney, who now plans…
The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief
If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief. Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of…
Corman Creates Catastrophe, Kubrick Cringes
Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey was a huge hit in 1968 and also something of a revolution in science fiction filmmaking. Previous science fiction films had been heavily action-oriented and even frivolous, generally featuring aliens in unconvincing rubber suits…