ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail.
Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began speaking to a small group of twelve friends in Lake Eola park. Slowly, a crowd gathered to listen to Christos’ message of love, forgiveness and social justice.
The charismatic speaker soon found himself addressing a spontaneous crowd estimated at 5,000 people. Many of them appeared to be poor or homeless people. Some claimed that Christos healed them of chronic problems, including leprosy, blindness, and lupus.
After someone in the crowd shouted out “We’re hungry!” Christos reached into a picnic basket containing two loaves of Wonder Bread and a bag of Long John Silver fish filets. Christos instructed his friends to start sharing the food with the crowd.
In what many eyewitnesses described as a “miracle,” the bread and fish did not run out, and appeared to feed all 5,000 homeless people to their satisfaction.
“The bread and fish were divine,” said one homeless man, belching happily.
Orlando Police arrived on the scene shortly thereafter and dispersed the crowd with tear-gas. Police then fired multiple taser guns at Christos, attempting to electroshock him scores of times because “he would not go down,” according to one anonymous officer. However, Orlando police eventually managed to hand-cuff, arrest, and strip-search Christos.
Many Orlando residents expressed their outrage that Christos had single-handedly attracted a crowd of unwashed homeless to their city park, in flagrant violation of the anti-homeless feeding legislation.
“Jesus Christ! Who the f-ck does this guy think he is?” said Rufus Jameson, 35, of Sanford. “Does he think he’s above the law?”
Pastor Jude Criter of Orlando’s Landover Baptist Church also denounced Christos saying: “Who is this man who befouls our fair city with his crazy talk about the poor inheriting the earth? Hippie misfits like this Christos character are exactly what is wrong with America. It is impossible to build a Christian society in America with this hippie scum walking around stirring up class warfare.”
Dr. John Hilarious, Chief of Psychiatric Care at Orlando Memorial Hospital, opined that: “This is an increasing phenomenon in modern society, these marginal figures with their ‘messiah complexes.’ We’re only lucky we didn’t have some kind of Charles Manson situation on our hands. And the fact that he allegedly practiced medicine without a license is especially disturbing to us. Most of the people in that park did not have health insurance and so had no right to be cured of their diseases.”
Federal Stateside Security (SS) spokesman Wilma Manley stated: “Jesús Christos is simply a domestic terrorist. He organized a flash mob and spread his dangerous ideas to dirty people who have rejected our capitalist system by willfully remaining unemployed in this land of opportunity. They have scorned our precious way of life and deserve to live or die outside of the system.”
Penalties for feeding the homeless in Orlando range from a fine for a minor infraction all the way to death by crucifixion for “flagrant contempt of the law.” Orlando area lawyers are convinced that Christos’ actions in feeding 5,000 people in broad daylight satisfied the “flagrant contempt” standard and that Christos will therefore be crucified within a few days.
Christos’ crucifixion is expected to be a national event. The Orlando Chamber of Commerce reports that the area’s hotel rooms are already nearly fully booked. For those not lucky enough to attend, all major TV networks have announced they will cover the event live on television.
“Many Americans just want to see this guy get what’s coming to him,” explained Chamber of Commerce Chairwoman Nancy Bates.
Disney World spokesman Karen Alloway stated: “We want to assure all Americans that Disney World will remain open for business during Christos’ execution.”