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Chelsea Man Evicted from Theatre for Testicle Altercation

Chelsea Man Evicted from Theatre for Testicle Altercation

Theatre goer Ivor Ball has been evicted from The Old Vic Theatre in London, after his testicles started fighting during the play ‘A Shakespeare Tragedy.’

Mr. Ball 42, commented:

Regrettably, a disturbance was prompted, as a consequence of a rare medical condition I am blighted with called testicleitis. This occurs when two testicles argue their differences to the point of physical conflict.

It’s similar to rival twins in their endeavour to establish a singular identity and hierarchy.

A bicycle seat partition intervention is the only remedy to ensure the balls co-exist harmoniously, but I wasn’t allowed to take my cycle into the theatre.

THE TESTICLE INCIDENT

“To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” – ‘Oi! shove over fatty bollock – there’s room in the sack for two!’ (testicle one).

“Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them” – ‘shut your face shrivelled walnut bollock! Ouch! I’m entitled to half an inch of gap too!’ (testicle two).

“To die: to sleep no more and by a sleep to say we end the heartache” – ‘Push off lumpy! – just because you hang higher in the ball sack, it doesn’t give you special status!’ (testicle one).

“And the thousand natural shocks, that flesh to heir to, this consummation – devoutly to be wished” – ‘Piss off baldy! I’ve got more hair! Ouch! Aaaagh!’ (testicle two).

“To sleep: perchance to dream: ay there’s the rub; for in that sleep of death” – ‘So what hairy? I produce more sperm! Ouch! Get off!’ (testicle one).

Mr. Ball has been issued with a lifetime ban from The Old Vic. His testicles were unavailable for comment.

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DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable

DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable

The Democratic Unionist Party, not to be confused with the Worker’s Party of North Korea and the Taxpayers’ Alliance, have always been among the staunchest opponents of reactionary social norms and backward, superstitious obscurantism.

Well, at least when these civic abberations are coming from non-evangelical-fundamentalist sources, anyway!

But when challenged by perfidious Celtsman Andrew Neil of the BBC, DUP head establishment doorstop Darlene Whatever-the-Name-Is appeared to genuinely struggle to articulate why she considers the jihadist menace to be such a big deal.

The boisterous saffron superstar growled out:

C’mon now, lassie! You are supposed tae bee in gurnmint wi’ the Tooooouuuuuries! ‘N’ ye mean tee say ye dinneeeeevn knaw preciiiiisely warritiz aboot the jeehadeeeees ye dunt even like!

Flouncing Foster replied:

Well, to be fair tee ye, now, Andrewwwww, we just thought it was a wee bit ungodly, and all that there, now!

This comment was not well received.

Och now! Did yer ma drop ye on the head as a wean, Foster! Sure don’t the jeehadeeees clee-um tae be doin’ exactly the same thing as you folks!

A rather baffled Foster asked for further elucidation from the half-Anglified Bard o’ Bannockburn.

Spiky Andy responded:

Well, they think gay people, or as you folk call them, ‘Sodomites,’ are headin’ for the  eternal hellfire. And a weeman’s place is in the home. And people o’ ungodly accursed religions and other blasphemers shall undergo eternal punishment for their satanic wiles and blasphemies!

Immediately perking up, Foster muttered that if the DUP were open-minded enough to do a deal with Sinn Fein, they could probably stretch to a meaningful political compromise with the jihadists. After all, their religious and moral differences are fairly inconsequential compared to the vast gulf separating good godfearing Ulster Prods from the perfidious, Papish, Romish heure o’ Babylon!

 

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Theresa May Resigns, Becomes Guardian Editor

Theresa May Resigns, Becomes Guardian Editor

Conservative Party leader Theresa May is tired of endless harassment from voters and grubby hard-right red-top hacks (like George Osborne of the Evening Standard). So, she has decided her career in politics is no longer a worthwhile pursuit.

Notable left-wing establishment broadsheet The Guardian is known for its uniquely conservative form of liberal and social democratic politics. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, World News0 Comments

Manchester Bomber Meets Allah for the First Time (And Buddha Too)

Manchester Bomber Meets Allah for the First Time (And Buddha Too)

Hellfire?! But I did everything you asked me to!
WTF?! You got the power cut to your head, son!
No, I did it all, your Celestial Highness. Like, for real!
Hang on, I think I’ve lost the thread here. What exactly did you think I asked you to do?
Like, killing children, attacking civilians, shredding the flesh of pregnant mothers with shrapnel and nails, and…
Quotes or it didn’t happen!

Something something something kill-the-infidels-wherever-you-see-them, something something something Dar el Harb.
Listen, boy. When you’re in a hole, stop digging.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Tell them to let go of me! I’m your most loyal slave!
… WTF. Seriously, how do I even get these people?! If I wanted slaves, I would have given the earth to monkeys or some kind of vile, insect-like creature.
FUCK YOU, AL! I’M BEING FRIENDZONED!
Seriously. I’m sick of these fakers. They’re really breaking my groove. Hey Bud, how’s all that pretentious Myanmar theocracy bollocks goin’?
Same. Seriously, Al, I swear! These radical monk assholes are just sooooooooooo full of shit, man!
Some day, brother…
Some day….

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(Meme) The Marxist Gayssot Law: France’s Greatest Gift to the Nazi Community?

(Meme) The Marxist Gayssot Law: France’s Greatest Gift to the Nazi Community?

Everyone knows historical negationism laws like the Marxist Gayssot Laws are authoritarian and anti-speech. This certain fact is a ‘sky is blue’ kind of thing which is self-evidently not open to debate.
But here’s a more challenging question:
Continue Reading

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We Can Justify Making Saudi Arabia Our Ally for the Same Reasons as Nazi Germany

We Can Justify Making Saudi Arabia Our Ally for the Same Reasons as Nazi Germany

1. An alliance with Nazi Germany could have provided us with excellent anti-Soviet intel.

2. Economics-wise, Germany was hard to overlook. Plenty of rich carbon resources; in the short to medium term, a significant player in the world economy up to now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

Just a Quick Reminder to Keep the Faith on Satire

Just a Quick Reminder to Keep the Faith on Satire

This is Stephane Charbonnier, or ‘Charb,’ from Charlie Hebdo. He was murdered not long ago. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, World News0 Comments

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

One of the most hilarious things on Twitter is the apparently non-satirical interventions Tony Blair makes in public life.

But it turns out brave Dave hasn’t exactly retired to have a wank in his yacht either! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Not Funny: Another Tasteless Joke About Syria (It Doesn’t Taste of Bitter Orange Though)

Not Funny: Another Tasteless Joke About Syria (It Doesn’t Taste of Bitter Orange Though)

What’s the difference between moderate Syrian choppers and an impotent autocrat? Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Richard Dawkins, professor emeritus and former chair of public understanding of science at Oxford University has announced plans to open a new fish and chip shop that aims to serve up a sustainable catch. Professor Dawkins explained:

Cod has been on the Marine Conversation Society’s endangered stocks list for many years now.
But, despite all of the evidence, traditional fish and chip shops have continued to ignore these warnings.
Those who believe we can simply continue to consume cod at our current rates are under a severe delusion!

Professor Dawkins continued:

However, at my fish and chip shop, we are proud to say that there is no cod.

Professor Dawkins rose to fame in the fishing industry in 1976 with the release of his book “The Shellfish Gene.” He further cemented his reputation as one of the sharkest thinkers in marine biology with his 1998 bestselling book “Unweaving the Rainbow Trout.”

However, he has been in the public eye most recently for his sharp criticism of religion. Alongside Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens and Daniel Dennett, Dawkins is referred to as one of the “four seahorses of the apocalypse.”

Professor Dawkins’s shop has come under attack from Christian groups. Stephen Green from Christian Voice accused the shop of failing to provide a sustainable alternative. Green explained:

It would be much more efficient for Dawkins to buy two loaves of bread and a few fish, and then divide them up until everybody had some.

 

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Posted in Science, World News0 Comments

George Osborne Facing Possible Death Sentence in Indonesia for Cocaine Offenses

George Osborne Facing Possible Death Sentence in Indonesia for Cocaine Offenses

Former UK Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne (formerly known as Gideon Osborne) has recently been arrested for drug possession and trafficking offenses in Indonesia.

Indonesia, like many countries in Southeast and Northeast Asia, has very stringent laws on narcotics.

And a number of British citizens have fallen afoul of these drug laws in recent years; finding themselves confined for decades to the depressing squalour of grotesque mass prisons.

Some have even been executed.

And confidential sources now tell us Osborne himself is likely to meet the same fate. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source close to the Indonesian government tells Glossy News: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Syrian Intel Identify UK Gov, Tony Blair Charity as ‘Violent Extremists’

Syrian Intel Identify UK Gov, Tony Blair Charity as ‘Violent Extremists’

Syrian is currently in the middle of a fairly brutal and bloody civil war.

And yet, Syrian intelligence have still managed to find the time to pompously moralize and point the finger at some of the innumerable vicious and dangerous out-for-blood extremists and fanatics who, they claim, are trying to subvert and ultimately destroy their country.

A recent Wikileak from the Damascus authorities contains the following indictment of some rather familiar faces: Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

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