Well-heeled London glitterati media hacks Jon Snow and Nick Robinson just can’t wait to tell you about the latest earth-shattering Coronavirus intervention out there!
Never short of being at the forefront of cutting edge humanitarian interventions to save the world (Gordon Brown stylee!), billionaire south of the M1 media intellectuals are now here to tell us how they’re going to end the virus.
Preferably without the help of experts, as our Mikey would say!
Supping a dram of vintage Pedro Ximenez with Hacked Off Hugh from the safety of the Islington Waitrose deli, Jon Snow says:
Frankly, I’m just absolutely SICK of all these bloody plebs trying to infect me with their idiotic, anti-Southern hatred!
I try to mingle with these people as little as possible. So I’ve now decided to self-isolate, so that Coronavirus and any other nasty plagues, whether biological or ideological, don’t get any more traction in this country!
…. Then again, it’s not like I get out of the house much anyway!
I mean after all, what’s the flaming point anyhow?
I see myself on TV all the time!
Fellow pasty, pale, stale-and-hearty sub-Watford gap neoliberal heavyweight Nick Robinson barfs and gurgles:
I singlehandedly ended the Iraq myself…
Er, sorry the Iraq WAR!
And since then, have you ever heard of a single problem in the Middle East, no matter how minisicule?
Or, indeed, in the world as a whole?
Well, funny that!
The mind just boggles doesn’t it!
Worth mentioning, you know just in passing like, that me and the BBC (but some of us more than others, not least ME!) singlehandedly managed to end the swelling tide of populist vitriol, hatred and xenophobic racism that the disgusting, filthy, disease-ridden pleb scum have managed to unleash upon the entire global village!
So, what better way to stick it to the proles, than to conspicuously isolate myself in my little gated community here for the health of the world, in full view of social media! Jon and I have made a point of doing this in a very public manner, because having previously seen the utter awe and terror in which mainstream journalists are viewed by the average public (we’re calling mainstream media for a REASON, dammit!), well y’know, we might as well make use of that idolatrous reverence for reasons of our own.
So now that we’ve finally taken the trouble to go out publicly and said ‘Down with Coronavirus! Down with populism! Down with Brexit!’ there is absolutely no way whatsoever we can possibly fail in singlehandedly ending this terrible disease!
Jeremy Corbyn warns:
Well I tried shuttering myself away in a classy area of town a million times, and it didn’t seem to do me any favours!
Then again, win or lose, it’s the principle that counts!
I’m personally not very wedded to results, as long as I win the argument!
Maybe the media and I should compare notes.
Cue the world’s saddest Frank Turner violin solo…
And, guess what?!
Strangely enough, fellow unhinged demagogue Donald J. Trump seems to agree…
… Oh, wait.
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