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“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Experts discover that American politicians, pundits, and journalists frequently say “That’s not appropriate” when they really mean, “I want to tear out your intestines and strangle you with them for doing that.”

Leslie Montague, psychologist at Pick Your Brains Medical Center in Scranton, began researching the euphemism when she saw CNN correspondent Jim Acosta at President Trump’s news conference.
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Comedians Replace Democrats to Oppose Psycho Clown Republicans

Comedians Replace Democrats to Oppose Psycho Clown Republicans

To address the challenge presented by the new Republican Party, the Democratic Party has been replaced by a bevy of comedians.

The challenge began in 2017 when President Donald Trump made psychopathy cool. Henceforth the Republicans became informally known as the Psycho Clown Posse. Trump capitalized on the press’s bad press, further demonizing journalists whom the American public already trusted less than lawyers and politicians.
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President Trump Trashes Oval Office

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.

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Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health.

Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted into his 70 year-old brain,” said the psychiatrists. “Our expert medical opinion is that President Trump is off his rocker. More specifically, he’s fallen off his rocker, landed on the floor, rolled off the floor and out the front door, down the steps and down the mountain side, splashed into the ocean and sank into a volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

Thanks to the technological services of an anonymous group of hackers, 200 million Americans were able to simultaneously pipe their response to the letter directly into the bedrooms of all 37 psychiatrists. Transmitted at a deafening decibel, the response was, “No shit, Captain Obvious!”

Two days later, the NY Times published a letter signed by 37 different psychiatrists who reached the opposite conclusion, that Trump’s mental state is as healthy as anyone’s can be.

Curiously, both letters were signed by 20 men and 17 women. One of the male psychiatrists who signed the first letter is a little person, and one who signed the second is also a little person.

Three of the men who signed the first letter, and three of the different men who signed the second all have 9 inch-long scraggly beards that have the same mixed shades of brown and grey.

Two of the women who signed the first letter, and two of the different women who signed the second have had mastectomies.

This has led one physicist to blame the mirroring effect on spillover from other universes in the multiverse.

Another physicist, Eugene Nerdopolous, has posited what he calls the “Of Course Principle” to explain the puzzling phenomenon of professionals who cancel each other out in psychiatry and in several other sciences.

“To paraphrase Isaac Newton,” he says, “for every psychiatrist there’s an equal and opposite psychiatrist.

“And the same holds in any scientific field in which a lot of money is at stake for the scientist. If one blood spatter expert is willing to testify that the blood left at the crime scene was caused by a gruesome act of murder, of course another will testify that the red fluid isn’t blood at all, but raspberry filling from a squashed donut.”

The differences aren’t due merely to the ambiguity of the subject matter, which could allow for different rational interpretations. “It’s more a question of the world mocking our vain attempts to understand and control it. When 37 psychiatrists think anyone needs them to state the obvious about Trump, and then the universe throws up 37 equal and opposite psychiatrists, something’s having a laugh at our expense.”

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U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims.

According to Peters, stores across the country have boxed up the lawn inflatables and dancing Santas, along with their holiday cheer. What started as a protest by Starbucks has quickly spread across the nation.

As Peters puts it, “They’ve stolen the joy from young and old alike.” Continue Reading

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Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]

Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

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Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

Black Bloc Goes Vérité On Milo’s Ass

I read somewhere that Black Bloc is a tactic and not necessarily a group. That’s scary stuff. Knocking heads and setting fires isn’t a new idea. But the idea of doing it just for the hell of it seems to be catching on. Continue Reading

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Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists Against Anarchy

Anarchists are getting pissed because the role of the honest anarchist is becoming a pitiful, diluted version of itself. Once proud agitators, archduke whackers and bomb chuckers, they are now being eclipsed by these neo-anarchists who agitate by proxy for profit. Meaning they get paid well for getting other people to do the dirty work.

I now belong to the group called Anarchist Against Anarchy (Please don’t try to turn it into an acronym and then call me to come tow your car). A real anarchist never truly wanted to destroy everything. Tom can never catch Jerry. We know better. But this new cadre doesn’t care. They are doing it for money and fame. Historically, the most lethal combination of desires. Continue Reading

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DNC Discovers Secret of Transformational Leadership

DNC Discovers Secret of Transformational Leadership

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—A Democratic National Committee taskforce concluded its investigation into how Donald Trump has managed to be a transformational president.

In 2008, Barack Obama campaigned as a “change” candidate, but progressive Democrats soon became disappointed with Obama’s centrist, neoliberal economic policies and with his continuation of George W. Bush’s militaristic response to terrorism, although Obama opted for drone warfare instead of boots on the ground. Generally, Obama proved himself to be a technocratic defender of the deep state bureaucracy, as shown by his obsession with prosecuting whistleblowers who threatened the system’s channels of information flow.

After Bernie Sanders garnered the energy of the Democratic electorate and centrist Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in 2016, Democratic Party leaders learned that being a transformational leader might be a good thing. But because the DNC had been conservative rather than radical for decades, to preserve its appeal to Wall Street donors, Democratic politicians found themselves at a loss as to how to transform the American political system.

Liberals hope the taskforce will shed light on this mystery. For its part, the DNC’s exhaustive one thousand-page Report on Transformational Political Action closes with the following conclusion: “Above all, a transformational president mustn’t give a fuck.”

“This is the key attribute that prevented Obama from being a transformational leader,” said Sue-Ellen Greenhorn, one of the report’s authors. “He gave a fuck. Indeed, he had all too many fucks to give. His Ivy League education supplied him with an abundance of fucks, which is why he couldn’t tear down the system even if his progressive ideals demanded that the American political and economic systems be demolished and then spat upon.

“Moreover, ‘No Drama’ Obama’s intellectual temperament equipped him with an additional boatload of fucks: he cared about logic, the facts, and expertise. It was almost as though a functioning, rational government were what the voters demanded in their messianic fervor to be rid of George W. Bush in 2008.”

Donald’s Trump’s “evident psychopathy” makes him uniquely qualified “to give not even a single fuck—about the government, the American people, foreign countries, the planet at large, or even himself. This is why Trump can and likely will transform the nation.”

The noted theologian Fritz Fitzmueller concurs about the importance of not giving a fuck, to being a transformational and thus a consequential political leader.

“Think of the most transformational figure in Western history: Jesus Christ,” said Fitzmueller. “Our calendar is divided into the times before and after he was born, because the change he brought was so monumental. And from studying the New Testament in depth, one thing I can say for certain is that Jesus didn’t give a fuck. Not even one.

“Jesus said it makes no sense to gain the world if you lose your soul. Your soul is invisible, which means Jesus cared less about everything in the world that apparently exists, than he cared about something that seems to be nothing at all. Let me tell you, this means that Jesus didn’t give a fuck about anything you could shake a stick at. Oh, you don’t believe he’s the Son of God? That means you can go to hell for eternity. Jesus doesn’t give a fuck! And that’s why he was so historically important.”

“The irony is astounding,” said Donny Brook, a political analyst at Fancypants University. “The fewer fucks you have to give, the more influential you can become. If your job means fuck all to you, there’s a good chance you’ll fail upwards, as happens in large American banks and government institutions. George W. Bush failed upwards, as did Sarah Palin and Donald Trump. These are revolutionary figures, although Palin was denied the chance to show the world exactly how few fucks she had to give.

“Trump, though, will remake the global order, because his insanity is godlike. He’s not beholden to any social standard or pre-existing system. He doesn’t care about reason or the facts. He’s plainly out of his mind, which is why he’s worshipped by the hordes of American right-wing anarchists who likewise couldn’t give a fuck. The less you care about the world, the greater your ability to lay waste to it until the world naturally knits itself together in what is typically an altogether different pattern, so that you can be heralded as a revolutionary figure.

“Decades from now, when the history books are written, Trump and Bush Jr. will be remembered, but Obama won’t be, and now, thanks to the DNC Report on Transformational Political Action, we know why. Say it with me, folks: Obama gave a fuck.”

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NEWSFLASH: Republican Party Flip-Flop, Embrace ‘Sodomy’

NEWSFLASH: Republican Party Flip-Flop, Embrace ‘Sodomy’

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Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

Ezekiel 16: 49

It’s just horrifying to hear the Republican Party have finally backslidden, and embraced the evil sin of Sodom!

May this needy God of theirs have mercy on their souls.

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Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

Louis Armstrong & the What-About-Bop

My favorite Louis Armstrong song has to be ‘The What-About-Bop!’

What about, oh yeah, what about!
Everybody love dem what about!

The neocons love it, the Islamists love it!
Everyboy lovin’ dem what about!

Hey baby, hey baby what you whataboutin’ ’bout, girl?
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

GOP God Squad love it,
Democrat Blame Squad love it,
Everybody lovin’ dem what about!

Got any more verses? Got friends and family who are not easily offended? Add them to the comments below, and the editorial staff will publish them!

Alternatively, send your funny stuff to Brian & Wallace @ Glossy News:

glossynews@gmail.com
wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States

Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States

Dateline: MOSCOW, Year Three After Trump—Three years into Trump’s presidency, a “new coalition of the willing,” of over a hundred countries led by Russia, China, and Europe declared war on Trump’s “rogue regime,” citing in a public statement: “the lunacy of allowing the American nuclear arsenal to be controlled by a manifestly insane and senile president, a dysfunctional Congress, and a delusional or apathetic American public.”

“The situation is just like George W. Bush’s declaration of war on Saddam’s Iraq,” said Putin at a press conference in Moscow, speaking for the Coalition. “Except that unlike Saddam, Trump actually has stockpiles of WMDs. We, too, seek regime change in defense of civilization itself. But this time the regime that must be eliminated by preventative military action is obviously Trump’s in the United States.”

When reminded that Trump never gassed his own people, whereas Saddam gassed the Kurds in 1988, Putin said, “Yes, but remember that time when Trump ordered that all the bridges in the United States be firebombed, because Trump had heard a rumour that a guy named Fred Bridgeman in South Dakota had called him fat? Remember how Trump had targeted bridges solely because that fellow had the word ‘bridge’ in his last name? And remember how Trump had neglected to warn the commuters, so that the bridges were destroyed along with the millions of Americans who were in the process of driving across them?

“Or remember that time when in broad daylight Trump raped a journalist in the middle of a White House press conference and then bizarrely denied that he had done so, calling the video evidence provided by the hundreds of cameras present ‘a big lie cooked up by failing news companies’?

“Or how about that time when Donald Trump ordered a nuclear strike against South Korea, mixing up the South with the North?

“Yeah, there’s only so much insanity and instability a civilized world can stand.”

Putin was pressed about why Russia would join the New Coalition of the Willing when Russia reportedly had personal leverage against Trump. Putin reminded the questioner that he had played his “Trump card, so to speak,” but it had backfired.

“You remember when we leaked the golden showers video, so to speak (again). Trump was caught with Russian prostitutes and we added that footage to the financial kompromat we had on him. When we secretly ordered Trump to help Russia take back our territories in Eastern Europe and he refused, we sent the video to Wikileaks. But after the world saw Trump with the pissing prostitutes, Trump said it wasn’t him but an actor with a bad wig.

“And that was that. The media went on to the next Trump scandal, since there was a new one every five minutes. We never bothered revealing the financial conflicts of interest Trump has with foreign banks, because most Americans wouldn’t understand them or care. For the same reason, the U.S. government doesn’t attempt to prosecute Goldman Sachs or other colossal banks for fraud, because the complexity of the case would put a jury to sleep.”

Putin was asked whether he thinks the Coalition can possibly defeat the American military machine. “Of course we can,” said Putin. “For decades, Americans have fought only fake wars against pipsqueaks like Saddam, terrorists in caves, or Stalinists in Grenada in 1983. Americans love to consume toys for their pleasure, not to make war. They’ll quickly surrender and the world will breathe a sigh of relief to be rid of Trump.”

For his part, a defiant Trump dared the Coalition to invade the United States. “Let them come!” he said at a Rose Garden press conference, holding a machine gun, his nose covered in cocaine. “Then they can say hello to my little friend!” There was tittering in the press pool and Trump said, “No, not my junk—which I can assure you all is yuge. This machine gun I’m holding—this is the little friend I meant. And the rest of the world can say hello to it. When they get here.”

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Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

Public Union Members Vote to Legalize Bribery

The current political climate has been difficult for public unions.

And if the future can really be portended, then things do look a tad bleak.

The unreasonable expectation of being held responsible for doing your job has caused morale to plummet.

When you walk the halls of the EPA or the IRS or the BFD you can see grief counselors rubbing stooped shoulders and multi-denominational clergy offering spiritual solace to the fearful. Continue Reading

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Trump Orders Obama’s Presidency be stricken from the Historical Record

Trump Orders Obama’s Presidency be stricken from the Historical Record

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C. (Crazy Town)–President Trump signed an executive order, commanding that every sign be erased, that Barack Obama had been president.

Trump ordered the military to destroy everything from stamps bearing Obama’s facial likeness, to news recordings of Obama’s speeches, to political cartoons about Obama.

The President added that anyone caught saying that an African-American was ever president of the United States would be sued personally by him.

“Repealing Obamacare is only a stepping stone,” said Trump’s spokesperson, Kellyanne Conway. “Talk about alternative facts! You liberals in the media actually think an African-American was president for eight years. But show me the evidence he was ever in office, once we’ve finished tossing that evidence into the memory hole.”

According to Democratic Senator Lillian Lillyliver, “You see, Republicans erred in attempting to tar Obama by informally naming the Affordable Care Act after him. Now they have to deal with the mess of trying to repeal and replace it, just because that healthcare bill is associated with Obama’s name, since Republicans evidently want no memory to survive that Obama had ever been president.”

Asked why she thinks Republicans are so opposed to that memory, Lillyliver said, “Methinks it’s because Obama’s as black as Trump’s heart.”

“President Trump seems to be taking a page from the pharaohs,” said Egyptologist Manuel Mysterioso. “If a pharaoh wanted to destroy his predecessor’s legacy, he obliterated every trace of it, by chiseling the former pharaoh’s face from relief sculptures, for example. And so future generations would forget that that detested pharaoh had ever lived. The belief was that our spirit resides in some physical form so that if you destroy the form, the spirit–and thus the intangible memory–dissipates.”

“It’s a case of ‘Hear no evil, see no evil,’” said one political analyst. “You know: out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t have to be reminded that something awful happened, you can pretend it never did. Why it matters whether a neoliberal president like Obama has light or dark skin is anyone’s guess. That’s a matter for a psychotherapist. I mean, Obama bent over backward a thousand times to accommodate the insanity from the far right. And the Republicans deliberately stonewalled him from the get-go to prevent the public from forming the conviction that a civil, democratic government can function as an alternative social arrangement to a capitalistic marketplace.”

“I’ve already forgotten who was president before me,” said Trump. “You say it was a ‘man of colour.’ Does that mean he was just someone other than an invisible man, someone who wasn’t colourless?” After the euphemism “person of colour” was explained to Trump, the president said, “Oh, so he was black, you say, an African American. I see no evidence there was any such person who used to sleep in my bed.

“In fact, the very notion that there are people with non-white skin seems farfetched to me. I’ve never seen these dark-skinned people you speak of. Is this like the myth that there are hordes of non-millionaires and non-billionaires polluting the earth? Where are all these losers supposed to be hiding? My Cabinet’s composed mostly of millionaires and billionaires, because there’s no one else in my world. And how can I step outside my world and still be me?”

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Making Law like Sausages

Making Law like Sausages

October 8th’s release of the “Billy Bush Tapes” couldn’t stop a Republican avalanche exactly one month later. The Republicans maintained their decided advantage in both the US House and Senate.

Donald Trump snuck out an electoral college win and put #Pussygate in his rear view mirror.

In January of 2009, Democrats had a similar configuration. They seized the opportunity to pass a 2,700 page healthcare bill that was on a website for viewing a scant 72 hours prior to the vote. Speaker Nancy Pelosi famously said “we have to pass (the bill)…(so we) can find out what’s in it.” Continue Reading

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