Category: Top Stories
Obama Discovers Cancer Cure: Republicans Outraged
WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer. “Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an…
Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When…
Documents Show Auschwitz Death Camp Doctors Living on Food Stamps
WARSAW, Poland (GlossyNews) — Archaeologists working to better understand the reign of Hitler and his Third Reich have discovered food coupons for some of the notorious SS doctors at the Auschwitz death camp, including the sadistic Dr. Joseph Mengele.
Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent
CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday. York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers…
“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat
MINNEAPOLIS, MN (GlossyNews) – Shock and horror were rampant in the children’s snack market this morning as the word spread that the popular “My Little Pony” fruit snacks contained elements of actual pony. The discovery was apparently made during an…
U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy
PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder.
Senator Caught in “Affair of the Heart” with Neighbor’s Doberman
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Anonymous sources are alleging that a prominent but unnamed United States senator is engaged in an intensely emotional relationship with his next door neighbor’s Doberman Pinscher. “It’s only a matter of time before the tabloids get…
Recession Forces Upper Class to Flirt with Mediocrity
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s…
Airlines Defend Proposed Airfare Hike for “Taking Off”
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold…
Walmart Pulls “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” Over Missing Drum Stick
TEXARKANA, TX (GlossyNews) — Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems…