Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday.

York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers and analysts doubted the company’s future. York took the position when Steve Jobs returned to the technology giant he co-founded after more than a decade away from the company. Together, they reinvented the Apple brand and took the organization from pioneer to mainstay to juggernaut.

“Jerry has been a pillar of financial and business expertise on our board for over a dozen years,” Jobs said. “It’s been a privilege to know and work with him, and I’m going to miss him a lot. But fortunately, we’ve found a replacement Jerry. Jerry Sargent.”

Without making a formal announcement to shareholders, or even to other board members, Jobs plans to replace York with Sargent as though nothing has happened.

“No one reads your magazine,” Jobs pointed out, “so I’m not worried about this story catching fire.”

Despite the fact that York and Sargent look nothing alike, have noticeably different personalities and wildly opposite business philosophies, Jobs said he needed to roll the dice and fill the spot immediately.

“We’ve gathered too much momentum with the release of the iPhone 3GS and the new iPad to take a break now,” Jobs explained. “This had to happen. All that matters is that we have a Jerry in the house. Otherwise, the entire Apple family would fall apart.”

But Jobs also admitted that people would be slow to accept the presence of Sargent, a warehouse worker who was beginning an on-line MBA program at University of Phoenix. “This will be especially hard on York’s wife, Samantha,” Jobs said.

York was often described as tough but good natured, boyish and hard working. Those closest to York called him a loving father and husband. Sargent, according to Samantha, “is lot more serious.”

She said, “He doesn’t seem to have the same tolerance for my family. They can be odd and even a little abusive at times, but he reacts so much more aggressively than Jerry [York] did. Especially around my mother.”

Samantha’s mother, Endora, has an overprotective streak that manifests itself as a penchant for name calling.

“She’s already started calling me things like ‘Jurwood’ and ‘Jervis’ and ‘Jabberwocky,'” said Sargent. “Mostly, she just calls me ‘What’s-his-Name.'”

“I’m a little worried,” confessed Samantha. “My mother’s a powerful woman. She tried to help Jerry [York] before, but it always led to arguments. I think that was mostly because Jerry wanted to earn his own way. With Jerry [Sargent], it’s all out war between them. I’m afraid I’ll come home one day and find him, well, changed. She can do that.”

“The good news,” said Jobs, “is Sargent’s gay. So, Samantha won’t have to worry about an uncomfortable romantic living situation. I’ve paid off a lot of people to make this happen, and I’m hoping they can learn to get along. Frankly, I’m eager to see how things progress. I loved Jerry York, but strange things always seemed to happen when he was around. Like witchcraft or magic or something. With any luck, that will all go away with Sargent in the picture.”

Author: BC Bass