NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold new PTC (Placate the Cattle) initiative. The photo was taken by America-hating, closet Islamist Annie Leibovitz.
Mr. Kincaid, looking dapper in a powder blue leisure suit, explained to reporters that his company’s extensive research found that most airline passengers want the plane to take off and go somewhere, and that they would be happy to pay an extra $15 for that to happen. After questioning, Mr. Kincaid admitted that the subjects of the “extensive research” had been limited to those present in the boardroom at the time, but cautioned that a targeted sampling shouldn’t be taken the wrong way.
On hearing the news, outraged Congress members acted quickly by scheduling a hearing. FAA Chairman David Cassidy performed well in what all observers agreed was an atmosphere tenser than the time Danny booked the Partridge Family as the opening act for Black Sabbath.
Chairman Cassidy had no qualms in saying his mass transit experience was limited to driving a multi-colored bus around Southern California in the 1970s. But he turned the point to his advantage, assuring the House Unlistenable American Compositions Committee that he is no industry insider, after all.
The harshest line of questioning came from Senator Joe Lieberman — a closeted, America-hating Islamist — who wasn’t invited to attend the hearing. FAA Chairman Cassidy, striking a positive tone, encouraged the somewhat addled Sen. Lieberman to “c’mon get happy.” Pressed for details, Cassidy went on to say, “There’s a song that we’re singing.”
During the hearing’s most heated moments, the beloved pop music icon was grilled about his recent string of bad choices, specifically referencing his agency’s failure to notice the questionable “Taking Off” airfare surcharge. Cassidy said, “No kidding, I didn’t know they could do that either. Makes sense though. Charging airline passengers extra so the plane will take off? Doesn’t shock me, really.”
Politicos and Washington wonks agreed that the hearing ranked as a win for Cassidy, not only because his hair was perfect, but the conciliatory tone he struck with the House Unlistenable American Composition Committee was a master stroke: “I’ll meet you halfway, that’s better than no way; we might just work this out, together.”
Analysts expect the “Taking Off” passenger surcharge to move forward unimpeded. Reached for comment, former Congressman Massa said, “I would SO tickle that David Cassidy, if ya know what I mean.”