Category: Top Stories
CNN to Issue Trigger Warnings before Trump Appearances
NEW YORK – CNN today announced its new policy of issuing trigger warnings before showing the face of President Donald Trump to viewing audiences.
President Trump Trashes Oval Office
White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office. ‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’ ‘He…
Psychiatrists Reach Opposite Conclusions About President Trump’s Mental Health
Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health. Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted…
U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas
If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims. According to Peters, stores across the country…
Fighting Over the Birth Canal
We fought the mosquitos for the Panama Canal. Thousands died fighting over the Suez Canal and between the snakes and the Untouchables, the Ganges Canal was a nightmare. But they were nothing compared to the current hubbub surrounding the Birth…
Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big
The U.S. Supreme Court handed the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions a clear victory yesterday by defining a labor union as “one or more people doing more or less the same thing.” The landmark case of BEU vs. Clive Nuevo, gave…
Immigration- For Once I Actually Agree With Something Trump Says.
Strange days indeed!- I actually agree with Trump on something. First off, build that damn wall!!!!! 11 million Hispanics are living illegally in the U.S. and they have the cheek to insist that they are justified in doing so? Wrong!…
Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition
[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.] Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The…
When They Go Low, I Go High (President Obama is Having a Pretty Chill Retirement)
chrisvila.com @vilachumley Our correspondent, Don Lemon of CNN, caught up with the former President Barack Obama in his first interview since Donald Trump took office. Don Lemon: What have you been up to these past few weeks, Barack? Obama: Look…
World’s Most Beloved Dead Body Dies
Bobby “Stock Still” Jenkins, arguably the world’s most well-known dead body, has died at the age of 62. “When I found him lying face down in his breakfast, I just thought he was doing it again. Pretending to be dead…