Fighting Over the Birth Canal

We fought the mosquitos for the Panama Canal. Thousands died fighting over the Suez Canal and between the snakes and the Untouchables, the Ganges Canal was a nightmare.

But they were nothing compared to the current hubbub surrounding the Birth Canal.

A canal that has caused more trouble than all the other canals combined.

Ownership and right-to-use squabbles have risen up time and again. Traditionally, canals belong to whomever built them. Which makes a great deal of sense because then its crystal clear on who gets to use them and who doesn’t.

But with the Birth Canal, the ownership issue has never been truly settled and remains one of the great disputes of the day.

There are two competing opinions as to who built the Birth Canal.

First, some give construction credit to the creator of all things. But the creator of all things has a bad habit of losing interest in stuff and leaving the rest of us to clean up His mess. Which is where we are today, still arguing over access rights, lease renewals and maintenance responsibilities.

But those who favor this theory of the Birth Canal have long been suspected of being masters of misdirection. With some saying it was the reason for getting kicked out of Paradise and others saying it’s the reason for wanting to get back there as soon as possible.

Neither side will give an inch, so they spend a great deal of time killing each other and seem hell bent on dragging everyone else into the scuffle.

The second area is science, who in the past has done a yeoman’s job of unraveling puzzles and settling disputes. However on this subject, they have been curiously evasive.

Those mumblers say something about it just showing up all on its own and then try to change the subject to space or nanobots. Certainly a slackard’s opinion that solves nothing and helps no one.

In fairness we should consider a third group, the literati. These people, who can shed little light on where it came from or who built it, tend to go on and on about how it’s the source of all happiness and/or misery.

They’ve been largely discounted by a now bored public so we won’t include them in our study or give their slant on things much time here.

The argument of ownership has become acute in our time with fuzzy options spawning many viewpoints. The most outspoken groups are:

Ls: This militant group claims total ownership. They are very stingy and feel no one should have access to the canal except them.

Gs: An interesting group who steer clear of the Birth Canal altogether and opt to take their vessels on an entirely different route altogether.

Bs: They exhibit a confused approach to the problem by being a curios hybrid of both the L’s and the G’s. As a rule, this group tends to just go along to get along. And when the canal is open they are just as happy to be there as anywhere.

Ts: An odd splinter group who seem to be more interested in refocusing the argument with the singular claim of having the right to relieve themselves wherever they feel like it. Whether their current gender designation is on the door or not. I’m not sure why. Included with the T’s are significant sub-groups such as the S’s, F’s, Z’s, A’s, X’s and P’s.

Everybody Else: Huh?

Author: Tom Skulldaney