Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Read more Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

Share

Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

Those who follow NFL apparently know who Dwight Freeney is, even if most of America, and the landlord on his recording studio, haven’t heard a peep from him. He’s being sued for $422,150 in back rent on the studio, a sum as absurd as the idea that he should have such a facility in the first place.

TMZ obtained a copy of the lawsuit. It alleges that Freeney agreed to pay $37,500 in monthly rent for two floors in the famous Edmonds Tower building in Hollywood. Read more Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

Share

Infamous Miley Cyrus ‘Up Skirt’ Photo to Appear on Postage Stamp

The US Postal Service Postmaster General, Melvis P. Phelps, introduced the new Miley Cyrus Upskirt Postage Stamp to a mostly stunned and open mouthed crowd of reporters. Over the hushed crowd, he immediately tried to explain the importance of bringing newer, more youthful stamp collectors and users into the US Postal system.

“Look folks, with the newer generations of consumers, we have to try to approach things on their terms. They like seeing their movie actors and singing stars look like sluts, right?” Read more Infamous Miley Cyrus ‘Up Skirt’ Photo to Appear on Postage Stamp

Share

Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

CHEYENNE, WY – Still recovering from the Tiger Woods scandal, the sports world finds itself mired in yet another public spectacle.

Three-time PBA tour champion Slim “Fats” Fettwanst is suing Lurlene Jenks, owner of the “Preemptive Strikes” 32-lane bowling alley just outside Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jenks stands accused of damaging Fettwanst’s equipment during a crucial moment in the final rounds of the tournament. Read more Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

Share

Former Singer/Drug Addict Bobby Brown Wins X-Games 14 Snowboarding Medal

ASPEN, Colorado — R&B sensation Bobby Brown left a successful stint with New Edition in 1987 to pursue a solo career, which garnered him a string of Top 10 Billboard hits and a Grammy Award. But Brown’s increasingly bizarre behavior throughout the 1990s and early 2000s began to overshadow his past glory. Read more Former Singer/Drug Addict Bobby Brown Wins X-Games 14 Snowboarding Medal

Share

Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.

Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith. Read more Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Share

McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. Read more McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

Share

Ashley Madison Not One of Tiger Woods’ Mistresses

If Ashley Madison is not one of Tiger Woods’ many mistresses, then who is she and what does this have to do with Tiger Woods you ask? Plenty. If you didn’t know better, you’d think that Ashley Madison was just another interior design firm, or a designer of women’s high end house dresses, or even the latest contender in ladies’ home parties like Tupperware or Pampered Chef. Right? Read more Ashley Madison Not One of Tiger Woods’ Mistresses

Share

Phillies Fan Flogs Golly for Tickets

An American woman charged with offering sex in exchange for World Series baseball tickets maintains she has committed no crime nor done anything wrong by flogging her golly on the internet.

“I’m not embarrassed about my actions but I’m effin’ furious about how I was set up and then arrested,” Fellattia Wankerstein, from the Slutborough Heights area of Philadelphia, told Fux News. “I mean, even career hookers are allowed to ply their trade and wares on the public streets but when I try to get tickets for the Phillies-Yankees game I get targeted by the local Gestapo’s dodgy deviant Vice Squad.” Read more Phillies Fan Flogs Golly for Tickets

Share

Hippocratic Oath to Hypocritic Oaf, Damp Man Left to Die

A crap-for-brains jobsworth ambulance chief refused to allow his emergency response paramedics to enter six inches of water to treat a man with a fractured spine – as it constituted a breach of heath and safety regulations.

The jinxed Wilf Fuctifino, 95, suffered agonising injuries as he stood in ankle deep water at the Smegmadale Waterpark waiting to take his self-built Scrapheap Challenge jetski out onto the lake when he was hit by a gang of pissed-up yobs joyriding in a stolen powerboat and traveling at 60 knots close to the shoreline in a vandalistic attempt to swamp fishermen with their bow waves. Read more Hippocratic Oath to Hypocritic Oaf, Damp Man Left to Die

Share

Prima Donna Maradona Mugged by Taxman

In the surreal world of overpaid celebrity soccer prima donnas Argentina’s national team manager Diego Maradona has been hit, mugged, fleeced, done over and truly dusted by Italian tax police in the country’s northern province of Bonzo : where the former SSC Napoli star is currently undergoing treatment at a health clinic for ‘stress’ after Argentina’s hopes of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup were shattered in a humiliating 3-1 home defeat by their historic archrivals Brazil in Rosario. Read more Prima Donna Maradona Mugged by Taxman

Share

Dan Rather: CBS Spiked Biden “60 Minutes” Interview

Former CBS Anchor Dan Rather charged today that the network recently spiked a “60 Minutes” interview with Vice President Joe Biden under pressure from the White House. “I heard that Rahm Emanuel previewed the tape and found Biden harder to swallow than day-old habanero chili,” Rather said. Read more Dan Rather: CBS Spiked Biden “60 Minutes” Interview

Share