‘I Was A Professional Racing Driver in my Youth!’ Claims Donald Trump

There are concerns for Donald Trump’s mental stability in the wake of his most recent interview with Sky News. The US president told the interviewer:

I really miss the golden years when I was a Formula One racing driver. How could it not have been an honour to have competed with the legendary sporting icon – Bob Scum? How could it not have been a privilege to have shared a winners podium with two-times world champion – Sidney Anal-Splodge?

How could it not have been humbling to have been included in the pantheon of modern racing heroes like the great Billy Ass-Slime?

My meteoric rise to motoring fame wasn’t unexpected though. A racing expert once predicted my success – ‘You’re going all the way to the top, son!’ he said, after he’d seen me race Fat Mavis around Tesco car park in my Vauxhall Viva.

My then girlfriend was encouraging too. She told me, ‘You’re so brave, taking up such a dangerous sport!’ I told her – ‘Well, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Besides, I can’t work down the launderette forever.’

I was lightning quick in a car. ‘Fast Track Foreskin,’ my Ferrari team used to call me. I could take the banter – I was thick skinned. I said to one of my mechanics before a race – ‘Have you polished the piston yet?’ He replied ‘No, but if you’re lucky I might take a look at your crankshaft,’ There was some good banter between the drivers in those days.

I remember the Monza Grand Prix in 1989. I was racing alongside Bert Sewerage Slop, doing 180 mph on the straight. There was so much turbulence on the car, my tooth fillings fell out. Bert yelled to me from under his helmet – ‘My car’s not right – it only does left turns!’ I laughed and yelled back ,’drive in the opposite direction then!’ He was a good sport, Bert! He gave me the thumbs-up, or it may have been a finger; but anyway, they were good days.

Further reading:

Drugs Policy Interview: Donald Trump

Fire and Fury – Inside the Early Trump Years

Donald Trump’s Long Forgotten Rap Battle with Ted Cruz (Cultural Appropriation?)

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