Archive | Human Interest

Despite Inexperience, Local Narcissist Ready For Debut MMA Fight

Despite Inexperience, Local Narcissist Ready For Debut MMA Fight

Donnie Dimaggio, a 27 year old Las Vegas bartender, has decided that despite having virtually no experience in the realm of combat sports, he’s totally ready for his first Mixed Martial Arts fight, which is scheduled for early next year.

Going into the 5-round bout, Donnie’s confidence level seems excessively high given his athletic background, which mainly consists of a season of J.V. high school football (which ended abruptly due to his poor academic performance) and several games of intramural ultimate-frisbee during his freshman year of community college.

Donnie has been visiting the gym off and on for the last 10 years, however his training has focused primarily on high repetitions of biceps curls, triceps extensions and a lot of standing around. Still, Donnie remains confident and has made it clear to many of his female co-workers that he’s “pumped” for his “shot at the title.” The fight he’s scheduled for is a non-ranking amateur bout and in no way involves a title of any kind.

I’m ready to grab the bull by the horns and skull fuck it into filet-mignon,” said Dimaggio, from the tanning bed he frequents year round, apparently unaware that his native Las Vegas is a subtropical cloudless desert.

Although Donnie lacks any formal fight training, sources (his bros) say that last Friday night he came very close to “brawling” with some “pussy ass faggot bitch” who “accidentally” shoulder-checked Donnie at a crowded casino nightclub bar. Apparently the PAFB then totally backed down once Donnie, egged on by his girlfriend, got all up in his face about it.

The PAFB reportedly offered to buy Donnie and his girlfriend a drink as a gesture of apology but Donnie continued to drunkenly berate the PAFB until bouncers forcibly escorted him and his girlfriend from the nightclub. Though the one-sided verbal altercation never escalated into a physical confrontation, it appears to have been quite a confidence booster for Donnie. And the next morning, still drunk, he signed up for his first sanctioned MMA fight.

In preparation, Donnie has recently been hitting a heavy bag in his parents’ garage for at least 20 minutes a day while chugging energy drinks and blaring dubstep on the custom speakers of his lifted F-350.

“You either have it or you don’t,” Donnie said, apparently not referring to the skills one acquires after many years preparing the body physically and mastering the submission techniques required to compete in MMA, instead, citing some personal, nebulous idea about what makes a fighter successful.

Donnie’s family members, although supportive, are somewhat skeptical of his recent enthusiasm for competition in MMA. It was reported that Donnie once received a gift certificate for a free month of Brazilian Jujitsu as a birthday present from his parents after he mentioned he was interested in learning a martial art.

His parents immediately encouraged their son to do something, anything, that involved any kind of long-term commitment or required any kind of self-discipline. However the gift certificate was never put to use and expired a year later.

“I couldn’t start Jujitsu because I was getting hella-ink done that year,” said Donnie, referring to the dragons that adorn each of his semi-muscular biceps. “But those pussy ass faggot bitches at that gym were lucky I didn’t walk in there and tap-out each one of them.”

The MMA fight, which is set for February 7th, near the dumpsters behind Mandalay Bay, will be Donnie’s first fight since a domestic dispute with his ex-fiancee. Donnie is hoping the fight will end in a knockout and not 300 hours of court-mandated community service.

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Posted in Human Interest, Sportsfolk3 Comments

Neighbors Amicably Resolve Fence Dispute

Neighbors Amicably Resolve Fence Dispute

MAPLEVIEW, OHIO – In a rare event, two Mapleview citizens have resolved their fence dispute without resort to violence, litigation or letters to the editor.

Myron Beaver and Stew Lansing, longtime neighbors, were engaged in what could have been a nasty disagreement over their common property line. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

Newspapers Sleep with the Fishes

Newspapers Sleep with the Fishes

MIAMI–Newspapers became unwitting casualties of Black Friday after holiday shoppers swore off traditional sales marketing to shop discounts by smartphone.

“I got the paper once a week, on Sundays and only for the coupons,” said one early morning shopper. “No more. With my phone, I can download my store app of choice and voila! No scissors, no messy ink-stained hands, no coupon organizer and best of all, no more bad news I can’t do anything about!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Large-eyed Child Gets Surgery

Large-eyed Child Gets Surgery

Eleven-year-old Olivia Miller of Gopher’s Gulch, Nebraska recently underwent delicate eye-reduction surgery in order to save her life.

“We are all so grateful,” said Olivia’s mother. “For years, her eyes were bigger than her stomach and she insisted on putting much more on her plate than she could possibly eat.”

Not only did Olivia take more food at each meal, she also ate most of the huge selected portions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

Marriage Tip: When Black Friday Shopping, Avoid Impulse Purchases

Marriage Tip: When Black Friday Shopping, Avoid Impulse Purchases

It started out innocently enough. My wife asked me to go to Costco because we were low on shampoo. Perhaps I should not have gone on Black Friday, when Costco had everything on sale.

The second I breached the entrance of Costco, I was immediately confronted by a bank of alluring gigantic flat screen HDTVs showing exotic tropical waterfalls. Wow! Some in 3-D. Hey, look. If you buy the home theatre sound system package, you can get a 55” flat screen HDTV for only $1,449.99 (big savings today only). What a bargain. So I added an LG 55″ Class 3D 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV with 4 Pairs of 3D Glasses to my flatbed cart. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/Editorial1 Comment

97-Year-Old Walmart Employee Granted Early Retirement

97-Year-Old Walmart Employee Granted Early Retirement

Norma Harris, 97, of Rogers, Arkansas, will be granted early retirement from her full time position as a Walmart greeter after 44 years of employment with the mega-retailer.

Harris will be the first person in Walmart history to be paid early retirement, which she will receive despite the fact that she’s too young and hasn’t accumulated enough work-hours to qualify for Walmart’s retiree benefits program. Walmart hosted a press conference/retirement party at Harris’ home to announce their unprecedented decision. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest4 Comments

200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)

200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)

ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

ATOS Declares Dead Man Fit for Work

ATOS Declares Dead Man Fit for Work

In a shocking lapse of judgement last week, an assessor from ATOS Origin placed James Wright, 62, in the ‘fit for work’ group mere moments after he had suffered a fatal stroke.

“It was a nightmare,” Rosemary, Mr. Wright’s widow, stated. “The doctor assessing James asked him to stand up, so he did before slumping into a squatting position. The doctor took one look at him and said, ‘I’m placing you in the Work Program.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest22 Comments

Girl Scouts Rappel Off the Fiscal Cliff for IKEA

Girl Scouts Rappel Off the Fiscal Cliff for IKEA

DENVER–One hundred girls celebrated the one hundredth anniversary of the Girl Scouts today by dangling off the fiscal cliff.

All participants wore safety gear while standing on the rungs of a mile-long rope ladder lashed together by scouts rocking the National Election Day Jamboree.

“Some politicians believe going off the fiscal cliff won’t damage the economy,” offered a Scout leader. “We’re here to show one loose knot and it’s all over.” A collective scream stopped her short. “Oh look. It’s happening now! Wave, girls! Our founder, Juliette Gordon Lowe would be so proud!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest4 Comments

Researchers Unlock Key to Happy Marriage: Let Wives Do Housework

Researchers Unlock Key to Happy Marriage: Let Wives Do Housework

Hard to believe? Then maybe you’ll believe a study which concluded that marriages where the women do all the housework while the men retreat to the parlor to smoke cigars, read the newspaper and discuss politics with other men in top hats are happier.

Technically, that study was based on focus groups of landed gentry horse farm owners in Greenwich, CT in 1879. But now a brand new study appears to validate those previous findings. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society2 Comments

“Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

“Roof of My Mouth Feels Pruny” Says Man on Mushrooms

William Bergerson, a 22-year-old student at the University of Michigan, recently told this Glossy News reporter that the roof of his mouth “totally feels pruny.” He was tripping on mushrooms at the time, but insisted that had nothing to do with it.

“No, man” said Bergerson. “The mushrooms aren’t the thing. It’s just that I just now realized that the roof of my mouth feels totally pruny.” Adding, “It’s like it’s been in a pool too long.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest2 Comments

Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

SEYMOUR, IN – Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles.

Constructed in the 1920s, the barn, located in Seymour, Indiana, represents the single most fascinating sight between the cities of Louisville and Indianapolis, generally comprising a fleeting 40 seconds of journey time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

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