Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

Kraft, purveyor of many fine foods and some others a bit on the course side. To me, they’re the makers of Miracle Whip, and the miracles were nothing short of canonization-worthy.

Yes, I’m talking about the now-discontinued dipping and sammy sauces that performed condimental magic on fries, sandwiches and anything else that needed some sassy, bloomin’ love.

I got some free samples of Kickin’ Onion Blossom last year and it was awesome. My life changed forever. Smokin’ Bacon Ranch was likewise wonderful, if not quite as life transforming. But Sassy Sweet Tomato was just plain amazing.

It’s what ketchup would be if had been invented by scientists instead of industrial chefs. Sassy, yes. Sweet, yes. But that was then.

I say “was” because it’s all in the past.

My life will go on, but my sandwiches will never be the same. 8-grain bread with fresh lettuce, deli roasted turkey, Miracle Whip, and, I guess, that is all for now and forever more.

If anyone has an unopened bottle the could donate, it would mean a dozen sandwiches to me, and that’s a lot.

So long, Sassy Sweet Tomato. I will not soon forget you.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

1 thought on “Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

  1. There’s always Procter and Gamble’s Spicy Colgate Sandwich Spread and Drain Cleaner. Makes a good Sandwich, whitens your teeth and keeps your pipes clean. Oops….sorry. That’s discontinued, too.


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