Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water.

Witnesses reported the hedonistic Mayhew’s request of a Diet Coke drew immediate comparisons to Emperor Aulus Vitellius (AD 15-69), the infamously gluttonous Roman ruler, even convincing some that he was the very reincarnation of him.

“He’s horribly out of touch with the rest of us,” said commoner Byron Wells.

“When I want to treat myself to the finer things in life, I’ll sometimes order water with lemon,” he added.

Among other lesser citizens reached for comment, nearby diner Wendy Rethman believed Mayhew to be desperately living beyond his means out of pride.

“Maybe he feels the need to appear like he can throw money around on Diet Cokes out of a deep sense of inadequacy and self-hatred,” she speculated.

Research shows that nearly half of restaurant patrons are unemployed.

“Underneath what appears to be smiling at the distracting taste of fries, it’s very likely these people are frantically clinging to the last thing that keeps them from realizing [their lives are] a sick joke,” said some scientist.

“Projecting a positive public image of yourself by putting on a shirt and going to Perkins can have a constructive effect, however little, on one’s false sense of well-being,” he added.

“It helps fill the yawning void for a minute,” he said with a chuckle, “and can even be easy on the wallet,” he continued, his face becoming increasingly red with repressed rage. “Provided you don’t lob money around on Diet Cokes like some kind of epicurean sybarite.”

At press time, the scientist apologized for using coarse language.

Photo credit: nfd8877 via Flickr

Author: Rusty Shackleford

Rusty Shackleford is a comedy writer typing away from a bunker in an undisclosed location.

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