Category: Health
Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval
Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat…
Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia
Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man. “I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s…
NRA Members Suffering From Selective Hearing Disorder – I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”
Scientists have begun a study of NRA members who seem to have a vacillating hearing problem in which most of their die hard publicum hear certain things in clarity and then on others are fuzzy. “It is a really strange…
World’s Oldest Person dies – Again
Medical experts are scratching their heads as another elderly person has mysteriously passed away this week. Newspapers the world over shared the sad news that the World’s Oldest Person has just died. This is the latest in a rash of…
Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads
The Ohio State Board of Education is set to vote on a new policy aimed at curbing violence in Ohio schools by introducing head lice to K-12 campuses statewide. The vote comes on the heels of a similar decision by…
Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You’ll Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks
INDIANAPOLIS – As millions of Americans continue to return to post-holiday life, a controversial new weight-loss program – pioneered by a self-help guru in California – guarantees that dieters will lose interest in the program in just 2 weeks. Launching…
Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research
It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.
Mob Storms Charlton Heston’s Grave, Tear Gun Out His Cold, Dead Hands
Outraged citizens, incensed by the shredding of childrens bodies at Sandy Hook Elementary School last week by a crazy with an assault rifle, turned out in droves at the grave of Charleton Heston, legendary CEO of the National Rifle Association,…
How I Successfully Trolled Ali G’s Cousin
A few days ago, for some reason, I was thinking on how to get my revenge on an Autism researcher who knows nothing about his subject and completely eclipses a woman who does, when a really wicked thought came to…
Life on the Inside: My Week in a Mental Hospital
As a contributor to the second-longest running group satire site in the world, I’m always looking for a scoop. So when I had a chance to enter a mental health hospital as a patient recently, I couldn’t pass it up….