Mob Storms Charlton Heston’s Grave, Tear Gun Out His Cold, Dead Hands

Outraged citizens, incensed by the shredding of childrens bodies at Sandy Hook Elementary School last week by a crazy with an assault rifle, turned out in droves at the grave of Charleton Heston, legendary CEO of the National Rifle Association, to rip him out of his entombment.

Their goal was to tear the Bushmaster .223, the same assault weapon used in the Sandy Hook massacre, out of his hands that he was buried holding.

Charleton Heston is famous for his remarks made a week after the school shootings at Columbine High School in which he said “If you want my gun then you will have to tear it out of my dead cold hands”.

Read the rest of our gun debate series here:
Florida Teachers Take the Heat, Won’t Pack It
Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools
God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family
Answer to Gun Control Problem; Americans Now Buying Chinese Guns
Raise Your Hands For Gun Control! Then..Drop Your Pants!
Sensible Gun-Control Proposals Obvious, Impossible
The Proposed 2013 Great Gun Grab…Why Sen. Dianne Feinstein is Full of It
NRA solves gun violence problem: Bullet-proof vests for every American
The National Rifle Association Revises Its Proposal
NRA Finds Just the Man for Their Propaganda Ministry

This they have now done. Not only did they pull it out of his cold, mummified hands, but they also slammed a few rounds into his corpse out of sheer spite. They then reburied the body, a few spitting on it for good measure.

Unfortunately, the burying didn’t put an end to the story of Mr. Heston. Just like his nemesis’s in his famous movie ”The Omega Man” the exposure to fresh air returned him to the semi-living and,digging his way out of the grave he returned to plague his fellow man much like the zombies tormented him in Omega man.

And, like in Omega Man, the new Mr. Heston, now minus his famous chiseled good looks due to years of moldering, needed a fast firing, multi-round gun in which to deal with those who had defiled his final resting place.

Although he was basically a rotted ghoul without a soul, he still managed to procure one at at flea market without having to show an I.D. or go through a background check. Of course, the state he was buying it in was Mississippi so he probably would have gotten a background check anyway.

Some things never change.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

5 thoughts on “Mob Storms Charlton Heston’s Grave, Tear Gun Out His Cold, Dead Hands

  1. Yea, I believe you are a Mile High after that comment.
    Some of you guys think you are God’s gift to America but you are really just Fascists under the skin.
    Your comment proves it.

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