Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research

It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.

“Fat people tend to live longer and enjoy life more than thin people”, said Katherine Flegal, epidemiologist with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as she munched on a bag of M&Ms. “We recommend that people ‘pork up’ to be healthy!”

Previous research suggested that active people with a body mass index (BMI) between 18% and 25% were the healthiest but new research finds a BMI between 25% and 34% to be the healthiest.

McDonald’s Restaurant is taking advantage of the new findings by declaring Big Macs as ‘health food’ and encourages its patrons to drink more sugary soft drinks.

“We want out thinnest patrons to become healthy”, said McDonald’s spokesperson Sheila Gross. “We will be providing more high-calorie, healthy choices such as boneless rib sandwiches to bring people up to a healthy body mass index”.

Researchers say they are uncertain as to why fat people are healthier than thin people but suggest it may be because fat people enjoy life more.

A study of 1,000 centenarians suggests that so-called ‘healthy’ lifestyle choices have nothing to do with longevity and may actually be causing people to die young.

“I’ve been sitting on my ass, smoking cigarettes and eating shit for my whole life and I feel terrific!” said 103 year old Jennifer Petant.

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4 comments on “Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research

  1. So that’s why there are one plate limits at salad bars, they just didn’t want us to fill up on salad and eat the grease instead, they were just looking out for our health!

  2. I'm a thin person. but clearly you people are struggling with the implications of the meta-analysis. I'd say more, but I'm off to lunch with my 84-year old obese uncle.

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