Archive | Crime

Shocking Crime Wave Blows Across Nation

Shocking Crime Wave Blows Across Nation

A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal. Continue Reading

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Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Wall Street, N.Y. – Joaquin Guzman, leader and CEO of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the largest and one of the most powerful drug cartels in the world, has initiated an IPO (Initial Public Offering) underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman Sachs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime2 Comments

Pulled Pork… You’ll Get it in a Minute

Pulled Pork… You’ll Get it in a Minute

Apparently the cops in Santa Fe are jerkin off on the job and I mean that literally. The hero of our story, former police Sgt Mike Eiskant seems to have been caught holding the bag when a team of investigative journalists obtained dash cam footage from his squad car. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops0 Comments

The Supreme Scrap in Wisconsin

The Supreme Scrap in Wisconsin

The underside of the dark and dangerous judicial branch was exposed last year when Justice Walsh Bradley accused fellow Justice David Prosser of putting her in a “choke hold” during debate of the constitutionality of the controversial bill eliminating collective bargaining rights for Wisconsin state employee. Continue Reading

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Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted hijacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto. Continue Reading

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Man Murdered at Mime Convention for Coughing, Suspect at Large

Man Murdered at Mime Convention for Coughing, Suspect at Large

LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Continue Reading

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Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Continue Reading

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Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest2 Comments

Valentine’s Day Condom Heists Puzzle Store Owners

Valentine’s Day Condom Heists Puzzle Store Owners

Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society0 Comments

Casey Anthony Jurors Ask Judge if They Can ‘Take it Back’

Casey Anthony Jurors Ask Judge if They Can ‘Take it Back’

ORLANDO, FL – In yet another shocking twist for a case that has gripped the nation, the 12 jurors who voted to acquit Casey Anthony of all murder charges in the death of her daughter Caylee, appear to be more than just “sick to their stomachs”, and have sent a formal request in writing to Judge Belvin Perry asking whether or not it’s too late to “take it back.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People4 Comments

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration. Continue Reading

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Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Nuevo Laredo, Mexico – GlossyNews.com – The Nuevo Laredo Tourist Department (NLTD) has announced its newest tourist attraction, the Narco-Terrorism Tour for Gringos, which is to be launched August 10 from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

“This exciting adventure will appeal to many rich gringos, we think,” enthuses Alberto X. Rodriguez, deputy chief of the NLTD. “For just ten thousand American dollars you can visit Mexico’s border regions and towns where even la policia won’t go. And we’re sure Americans will be safe the whole time and not be shot or kidnapped.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Travel0 Comments

Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

New York. – GlossyNews.com – Vinnie Gelano (“Big Jelly”) always knew he was really a girl.

“Even when I was collecting from deadbeats out on the street, breaking bones, whatever, I always knew I had this soft spot inside, a feminine side to my personality,” he says. “I always felt like, you know, fuggettaboutit, Vinnie this is not you, you moron. You were not meant just to crack kneecaps and break balls. You have other dimensions. Some day the real you will come out. Wait and see if it don’t.” Continue Reading

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Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Erstwhile White house adviser Rahm Emanuel has taken his hat out of that ring, and thrown it into the one that allows him to run for Mayor of Chicago. Along the way, however, he has been forced to disclose his income and taxation situation, which is… shall we say, less than patriotic.

Even though Rahm Emanuel earned in excess of $2million dollars for the years of 2005 – 2007, he only paid $300,000 in federal income taxes. That means that his effective tax rate was a paltry 15%. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

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