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Casey Anthony Jurors Ask Judge if They Can ‘Take it Back’

Casey Anthony Jurors Ask Judge if They Can ‘Take it Back’

ORLANDO, FL – In yet another shocking twist for a case that has gripped the nation, the 12 jurors who voted to acquit Casey Anthony of all murder charges in the death of her daughter Caylee, appear to be more than just “sick to their stomachs”, and have sent a formal request in writing to Judge Belvin Perry asking whether or not it’s too late to “take it back.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People4 Comments

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime2 Comments

Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Narco-Terrorism Tour for Fearless Gringos Announced

Nuevo Laredo, Mexico – GlossyNews.com – The Nuevo Laredo Tourist Department (NLTD) has announced its newest tourist attraction, the Narco-Terrorism Tour for Gringos, which is to be launched August 10 from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

“This exciting adventure will appeal to many rich gringos, we think,” enthuses Alberto X. Rodriguez, deputy chief of the NLTD. “For just ten thousand American dollars you can visit Mexico’s border regions and towns where even la policia won’t go. And we’re sure Americans will be safe the whole time and not be shot or kidnapped.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Travel0 Comments

Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

New York. – GlossyNews.com – Vinnie Gelano (“Big Jelly”) always knew he was really a girl.

“Even when I was collecting from deadbeats out on the street, breaking bones, whatever, I always knew I had this soft spot inside, a feminine side to my personality,” he says. “I always felt like, you know, fuggettaboutit, Vinnie this is not you, you moron. You were not meant just to crack kneecaps and break balls. You have other dimensions. Some day the real you will come out. Wait and see if it don’t.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime1 Comment

Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Erstwhile White house adviser Rahm Emanuel has taken his hat out of that ring, and thrown it into the one that allows him to run for Mayor of Chicago. Along the way, however, he has been forced to disclose his income and taxation situation, which is… shall we say, less than patriotic.

Even though Rahm Emanuel earned in excess of $2million dollars for the years of 2005 – 2007, he only paid $300,000 in federal income taxes. That means that his effective tax rate was a paltry 15%. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester in Franchise Reboot

Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester in Franchise Reboot

Although the criminal case against accused gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, is just beginning, one thing is for certain, he’s going to prison. And if the administrators over at the infamous Supermax facility in Fremont County, Colorado have anything to say about it, he’ll be doing his time with them, where sources say he’s already being considered for a part in their prison production of The Addams Family musical. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Shocking Truth Behind Highest Level Religious Moves Towards Social Media

Shocking Truth Behind Highest Level Religious Moves Towards Social Media

THE VATICAN, ROME —BobZaguy Socio-political similarities have surfaced between the two most famous world-class conservative church leaders who publicly don’t seem to pay much mind to each other.
However, two bone-shaking statements were made a few days apart by the two men and have most of the world’s religious pundits looking for a pin to stand on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism2 Comments

Smokin’ Token Miley’s Bong “Not Police Evidence,” Up for Sale

Smokin’ Token Miley’s Bong “Not Police Evidence,” Up for Sale

Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime4 Comments

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards.

The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already busy trying to name it something catchy that ends in ‘gate.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

At one time in our no-so-distant past the term ‘CEO’, meaning ‘Chief Executive Officer’, was invented to replace the perfectly good word ‘President’ as the title for the person heading up a company or corporation.

For some reason, some bureaucratic gerbils somewhere decided that acronyms were better than names for describing institutions, treaties, corporations and other entities of importance because it made them sound cooler and more authoritative. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime1 Comment

Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Authorities at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, California recently found a cell phone under inmate Charles Manson’s pillow. When confronted, Manson claimed that he didn’t even know what the hell the thing was and said someone must have planted it there. “Hey, man,” I’m a child from the 60’s, man. What the hell would I know about some piece of shit from the 90’s or whatever the hell decade we’re in, man?” shouted Manson as he grabbed a gnat from the air and ate it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime8 Comments

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw Snap!

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw Snap!

PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who’s stated goal is, “to kill followers of The Great Satan Claus.” Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. “We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation”, said Assistant Director James McJunkin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, War Zone2 Comments

Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

DUNCAN, OK (Glossynews)– A local satire writer has been found dead in front of his home from multiple gunshot wounds. The assault apparently took place late last night. Police aren’t releasing any information, but several alleged eyewitnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim the man was gunned down by a masked gang of turkeys.

Likely wild. Initial reports of it being a gaggle of geese have since been disproved. While many are still skeptical about the details, evidence and shell casings gathered at the scene point towards some possibility of fowl play. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People5 Comments

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