Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

New York. – GlossyNews.com – Vinnie Gelano (“Big Jelly”) always knew he was really a girl.

“Even when I was collecting from deadbeats out on the street, breaking bones, whatever, I always knew I had this soft spot inside, a feminine side to my personality,” he says. “I always felt like, you know, fuggettaboutit, Vinnie this is not you, you moron. You were not meant just to crack kneecaps and break balls. You have other dimensions. Some day the real you will come out. Wait and see if it don’t.” Read more Mafia Gangster Admits to Sex Change, Not for Disguise

Share

Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Read more Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

Share

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Read more Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Share

Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Erstwhile White house adviser Rahm Emanuel has taken his hat out of that ring, and thrown it into the one that allows him to run for Mayor of Chicago. Along the way, however, he has been forced to disclose his income and taxation situation, which is… shall we say, less than patriotic.

Even though Rahm Emanuel earned in excess of $2million dollars for the years of 2005 – 2007, he only paid $300,000 in federal income taxes. That means that his effective tax rate was a paltry 15%. Read more Rahm Emanuel Admits “The Rich Pay Barely Any Taxes”

Share

Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester in Franchise Reboot

Although the criminal case against accused gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, is just beginning, one thing is for certain, he’s going to prison. And if the administrators over at the infamous Supermax facility in Fremont County, Colorado have anything to say about it, he’ll be doing his time with them, where sources say he’s already being considered for a part in their prison production of The Addams Family musical. Read more Arizona Shooter Cast as Uncle Fester in Franchise Reboot

Share

Shocking Truth Behind Highest Level Religious Moves Towards Social Media

THE VATICAN, ROME —BobZaguy Socio-political similarities have surfaced between the two most famous world-class conservative church leaders who publicly don’t seem to pay much mind to each other.
However, two bone-shaking statements were made a few days apart by the two men and have most of the world’s religious pundits looking for a pin to stand on. Read more Shocking Truth Behind Highest Level Religious Moves Towards Social Media

Share

Smokin’ Token Miley’s Bong “Not Police Evidence,” Up for Sale

Picutres of the annoying starlet choking up on the toke bat surfaced last month, which she dismissed as representing something slightly more legal than marijuana. Yesterday, it was announced the now famous bong is up for sale. Police have assured us they don’t need it, as they “don’t investigate rich white girl crimes.”

Even though Miley claimed the water pipe, or bong (but let’s not kid ourselves, that toke-shot was pure bong,) was not used to smoke marijuana, under normal circumstances that would still be cause for serious investigation. After all, young Miss Cyrus is too young to drink alcohol or rent a car. Read more Smokin’ Token Miley’s Bong “Not Police Evidence,” Up for Sale

Share

Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) this week revealed hearings will begin in January regarding the suspicious death of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential hopeful John Edwards.

The press release hints at a scandal so diabolical, DC pundits are already busy trying to name it something catchy that ends in ‘gate.’ Read more Investigation of Elizabeth Edwards Death Announced

Share

God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read more God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting

Share

The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

At one time in our no-so-distant past the term ‘CEO’, meaning ‘Chief Executive Officer’, was invented to replace the perfectly good word ‘President’ as the title for the person heading up a company or corporation.

For some reason, some bureaucratic gerbils somewhere decided that acronyms were better than names for describing institutions, treaties, corporations and other entities of importance because it made them sound cooler and more authoritative. Read more The Term ‘CEO’ Now Has So Many Different Meanings

Share

Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Authorities at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, California recently found a cell phone under inmate Charles Manson’s pillow. When confronted, Manson claimed that he didn’t even know what the hell the thing was and said someone must have planted it there. “Hey, man,” I’m a child from the 60’s, man. What the hell would I know about some piece of shit from the 90’s or whatever the hell decade we’re in, man?” shouted Manson as he grabbed a gnat from the air and ate it. Read more Manson Claims He Used Cell Phone to Call Satan

Share

‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

PORTLAND, Ore GlossyNews.com — Taking their cue from the genius of Ashton Kutcher, the FBI staged an elaborate prank on a Corvallis, OR teenager who thought he was part of a Jihadist plot to kill Christmas.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 19, a Somali-born U.S. citizen, mistakenly believed he was in contact with terrorists overseas who’s stated goal is, “to kill followers of The Great Satan Claus.” Little did he know that his contacts were, in fact, a band of merry FBI pranksters, a hilarious and secretive comedy troupe in the Counterterrorism Division. “We like to think of them as the Funny Bureau of Investigation”, said Assistant Director James McJunkin. Read more ‘Wannabe’ Terrorist Punk’d In Portland… Aw, Snap

Share

Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

DUNCAN, OK (Glossynews)– A local satire writer has been found dead in front of his home from multiple gunshot wounds. The assault apparently took place late last night. Police aren’t releasing any information, but several alleged eyewitnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim the man was gunned down by a masked gang of turkeys.

Likely wild. Initial reports of it being a gaggle of geese have since been disproved. While many are still skeptical about the details, evidence and shell casings gathered at the scene point towards some possibility of fowl play. Read more Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

Share

Despite Strong Support, Prop 19 Fails Due to Inaction, Dude

LOS ANGELES, CA – GlossyNews.com – Supporters of Proposition 19, which would have legalized, taxed and regulated the sale and use of marijuana in California, promised more action in future elections after suffering a defeat on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. Some time last week for sure.

“The main issue here was voter turnout,” said Martin Cobbler, a marijuana advocacy organizer. “Our message was strong, our support was vast, but in the end not enough people came out for the cause.” Read more Despite Strong Support, Prop 19 Fails Due to Inaction, Dude

Share

Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Read more Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

Share

After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Read more After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

Share

Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.

The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased’s mortgage companies demanding payment for “ammunition services,” “break-in and terrorizing administrative charges,” and “blood removal and dry cleaning fees,” among other charges related to “Mortgage Remediation Services.” Read more Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

Share

Politicos Recovering After Freak Grizzly Attacks

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. (GN) —Glossy News Over the past several weeks, there have been reports of a number of unknown female grizzly attacks.

These reports are from Utah, Washington, California, Delaware, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia, New Hampshire, West Virginia and South Carolina. They all state that female grizzlies have attacked local politicians, mostly Republicans, in out-of-the-way shopping mall parking lots. Read more Politicos Recovering After Freak Grizzly Attacks

Share