WASHINGTON, D.C. – Capitol Hill is under lockdown after reports that an intoxicated telephone pole hit a pedestrian walking by his position on Constitution Avenue.
The assault allegedly occurred early Saturday morning after a pair of street lamps to the tree’s north and south suddenly shut off, allowing the cover necessary to strike Anthony Goldberg, AIPAC’s senior legal counsel.
Police have managed to chain down the tree, known by other shrubbery as Franklin, and are awaiting a court date to charge him with Growing Under Influence (GUI).
Speaking with the press, Police Chief Cathy Lanier said, “He’s a lone wolf, and we’ve got him. I want to assure everyone that this tree is simply part of the radical fringe and should not be used to stereotype other plants as extremists or alcoholics. In fact, I urge every child to go home, find a tree, and give it a big hug.”
But the sole witness says there is more to be done. Martha Abner, who works as a newspaper seller on Constitution Ave., told reporters she saw Franklin conversing with the two street lamps that lost power shortly before the attack on Goldberg.
“Dat’s true. Them two was snickering as Mr. Goldburger fell over screaming. He sounded like a lil gurl.”
When confronted with Abner’s accusations by Alex Jones, the lampposts refused to comment and reignited their lights in his face, prompting him to scream ,“BLINDED BY THE LIGHT! DRESSED UP LIKE A DOUCHE AND I RODE HER ALL NIGHT!”
Goldberg is currently hospitalized in central D.C., and spokespeople for the White House have confirmed President Obama will visit him in his room there to discuss (together with Benjamin Netanyahu) whether it is time to ban trees for the sake of Israel’s national security.