Batman to Spend More Time in Jail than Rapists

Gotham— Crime rates have dramatically dropped in this great city since the emergence of Batman. With the government’s best in the pockets of Gotham’s worst, it seemed like the role of the law was to look the other way. That’s why we needed someone outside of the law to fix things.

Yes, the citizens rest easier under the watchful eye of the world’s greatest detective, vigilante, and furry. “I’ve gone two years without having to cancel a credit card,” says May Gitrobbed (33) mother of two and dark alley enthusiast.

Yet despite Batman’s effectiveness in executing justice, the dark knight is looking at some serious jail time himself. In order to have three rapists sentenced to two years in juvenile hall last week, Batman had used the Bat-computer to bat-hack using his bat-DSL connection. The results of this bat-hacktivism were the evidence Police Commissioner James Gordon used to find and convict the culprits.

Last night the State Department had traced back this hacking activity to a cave an inconspicuous distance from Wayne Manor. If caught and convicted, Batman faces ten years of jail time, five times the amount the rapists were sentenced to. In the mean time police are staking out the cave waiting for the caped crusader to return, “He’ll be back. He left his binder of Pokémon cards,” says Officer Renee Montoya, “including a holographic Charizard.”

“We need to show that the police department is the law in Gotham, regardless of how ineffective and corrupt it is,” Gordon said, “We can’t have justice at the expense of the law.” When questioned about the bat-searchlight in the night sky, Gordon had no comment.

“I am about justice. There are two things the bat-computer and I have in common, we are both machines of justice and neither of us play games, unless that game is justice!” said Batman, or at least a man in a very convincing Batman costume. It’s really impossible to tell. “I have the high score in justice. The only level I have not completed is killing the parents of the man who killed my parents.” When pressed for more information he was gone, his only reply being an open window and gently swaying curtains.

“I feel so violated. I’m going to start saving my incriminating evidence to a flash drive from now on,” one anonymous rapist said, “A computer is someone’s private space. It’s wrong to just force your way into it like it’s just a vagina.”

Author: Sharif

Sharif is getting his masters degree in professional writing at the University of Southern California. His turn ons include cars, cartoons, and bronies. His turn offs include smart phones, people on bikes, and women who act like they're "pretty much a dude" when really they're like not even. His favorite candies come from windowless vans.

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