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Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

The Internet is all a twitter over Kendall Jenner’s romp down the catwalk at Thurdays New York Fashion Week dressed in a shear, boob flaunting Marc Jacobs original. It didn’t take long for the fur to fly.

In a tweet later that day half sister Khloe Kardashian posted “Boobs? What boobs? All I saw were a couple of chest pimples. Seriously, does she have a plastic surgeon?”.

Later Kourtney Kardashian followed up “Kendall is only half Kardashian. Obviously she got too many genes from ambiguously male daddy Bruce and not enough from the good side of the family.” Continue Reading

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Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler. Continue Reading

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Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Cable TV results are in for W/E 1/26 and Duck Dynasty at 6.6 million viewers easily beats out its cable reality competition.

World Wrestling Entertainment came in at 5.2, 5.0 and 4.3 million for its three Monday shows and Pawnstars clocked in at 5.2 and 4.7 for its Thursday programs.

“Lizzy Borden Took an Ax” had a surprisingly good showing at 4.4. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television1 Comment

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has learned this season of Walking Dead will be it’s last as every single cast member dies.

Talking to writers of the show on condition of anonymity, one stated after fan favorite Herschel was beheaded during last seasons finale they just got started and couldn’t stop.

“It was like we were on amphetamines…or something.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television4 Comments

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has revealed production for the Duck Dynasty Season 5 finale has resumed and will be titled “The Camo Knight”.

Not all elements of the anticipated episode are known but it has been learned it will prominently feature patriarch Phil Robertson dressed as a crusading Knight Templar.

Robertson battles a mysterious figure dressed in a hooded dark cloak whose only visible clue is a long, blood stained beard. Each time Robertson loses a limb to the challenger Duck Dynasty drops 2 million viewers.

As his last leg hits the ground Robertson shouts “You fight like a sodomist, heathen pagan chicken! I keel you now!”. The figure walks away saying “It is finished” removing his cloak and revealing himself to be none other than Jesus Christ.

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Posted in Entertainment, Television4 Comments

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam

Those words are not coming from a Star Trek script, or a Sci-Fi movie, they are actually being given by the scientists of ASACUSA , a multi-disciplinary collaboration between CERN and Japan’s RIKEN research center.

ASACUSA team leader, Yasunori Yamazaki is some kind of Captain Kirk for these guys, requesting things like:

-Check the superconducting anti-Helmholtz coil!
-Scan the multiple ring electrodes!
-Prepare the microwave cavity and a beam-focusing spin-selector ready for operation!
-Check all stats for Fantasy football!
(Ok, that one is mine! lol)
I can actually imagine the whole Star Trek crew, like in an episode of the famous TV show, and myself finding stats at sports websites like Sports Betting Dime.
But the future is now, and those are real engineering marvels that put us a little closer to the answers we´re looking for…

But, what´s the deal with anti-matter stuff?

Sci-Fi movies were able to educate us enough to know that matter and anti-matter annihilate each other in a flash of energy when they interact… Do you remember Angels & Demons by Dan Brown? Something like that.

In this case, scientists are trying to understand why matter prevails in this Universe of ours. If anti-matter and matter co-exist in balance (that’s what we think they do), why is anti-matter so difficult to perceive?

In order to find the answers, Europe’s CERN research center set a new number of particle-smashing experiments, including a special trap. The anti-matter, shows a particular problem–it’s hard to keep the atoms in existence long enough to make fine-scale measurements.

So, this special magnetic trap located at CERN’s Anti-proton Decelerator facility is making the difference for scientists, “bringing the possibility to guide the energetic anti-atoms to a region with a weak magnetic field. This is so we can have high-precision studies of anti-hydrogen atoms, particularly the hyper-fine structure, one of the two best known spectroscopic properties of hydrogen” Yasunori Yamazaki said.

These “mad” scientists won’t build an anti-matter cannon to destroy an asteroid (Why not?), but their discoveries will bring more possibilities to use anti-matter knowledge for medical purposes, like the PET scanners that actually are used by hospitals around the world to take snapshots of our bodies.

So, the next time you hear “Prepare the anti-matter beam!” turn your attention to the Swiss-French border… chances are Captain Kirk is there!

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Posted in Technology, Television7 Comments

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

The Mouse has had enough.

Within his realm, The Mouse would be written THE MOUSE, but here on this satire site we are safe from his surveillance and what could be misconstrued as a sign of disrespect.

At least for now, that is.

For years The Mouse has watched as young upstarts have corroded the Empire that he and his Master have so carefully and painstakingly put together. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television2 Comments

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top Stories0 Comments

Duck Dynasty Cancelled: A&E Introduces New Reality Show

Duck Dynasty Cancelled: A&E Introduces New Reality Show

New York City – Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poultry and more Kruk, John Kruk that is.

“A lot of people were disappointed when we first announced the cancellation,” said Executive Producer, Bill Abraham. “But once we announced the show’s replacement starring national icon, John Kruk, fans immediately jumped on the bandwagon and are looking forward to the premiere in January. For heaven’s sake, we sold out of ‘Kruk This’ t-shirts within nine minutes!” Added an exuberant Abraham.

A&E’s new show, Kruk Dynasty, will follow the many faces of John Kruk, from his days as an extraordinary Major League Baseball player to his current role as a popular Baseball Analyst for ESPN. The new show will aim to win back disgruntled fans, annoyed with Robertson’s homosexual comments and those unaware that Louisiana was part of the United States.

“I was about to boycott A&E, but then they announced this little miracle and I’m back onboard!” Said longtime television buff, Harry Michaels, who claims that he once watched Kruk hit a homerun and consequently nicknamed him “Kruk Kommander.”

Kruk Dynasty will premiere on Tuesday, January 7th at 9:00 p.m. and plans to air 16 weekly episodes during the inaugural season. John Kruk’s agent was unavailable for comment, but Kruk posted on Twitter (@KrukHunt) “Excited for the new series! Sorry about the ducks!”

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Posted in Entertainment, Television8 Comments

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Environment, Music, Science & Technologizzy, Society, Strange People, Television2 Comments

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