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Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

The Mouse has had enough.

Within his realm, The Mouse would be written THE MOUSE, but here on this satire site we are safe from his surveillance and what could be misconstrued as a sign of disrespect.

At least for now, that is.

For years The Mouse has watched as young upstarts have corroded the Empire that he and his Master have so carefully and painstakingly put together. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television2 Comments

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top Stories0 Comments

Duck Dynasty Cancelled: A&E Introduces New Reality Show

Duck Dynasty Cancelled: A&E Introduces New Reality Show

New York City – Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poultry and more Kruk, John Kruk that is.

“A lot of people were disappointed when we first announced the cancellation,” said Executive Producer, Bill Abraham. “But once we announced the show’s replacement starring national icon, John Kruk, fans immediately jumped on the bandwagon and are looking forward to the premiere in January. For heaven’s sake, we sold out of ‘Kruk This’ t-shirts within nine minutes!” Added an exuberant Abraham.

A&E’s new show, Kruk Dynasty, will follow the many faces of John Kruk, from his days as an extraordinary Major League Baseball player to his current role as a popular Baseball Analyst for ESPN. The new show will aim to win back disgruntled fans, annoyed with Robertson’s homosexual comments and those unaware that Louisiana was part of the United States.

“I was about to boycott A&E, but then they announced this little miracle and I’m back onboard!” Said longtime television buff, Harry Michaels, who claims that he once watched Kruk hit a homerun and consequently nicknamed him “Kruk Kommander.”

Kruk Dynasty will premiere on Tuesday, January 7th at 9:00 p.m. and plans to air 16 weekly episodes during the inaugural season. John Kruk’s agent was unavailable for comment, but Kruk posted on Twitter (@KrukHunt) “Excited for the new series! Sorry about the ducks!”

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Posted in Entertainment, Television8 Comments

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Environment, Music, Science & Technologizzy, Society, Strange People, Television2 Comments

Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Television1 Comment

Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson’s Hard Drive

Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson’s Hard Drive

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species.

The hacker group Anonymous recently unveiled the Dynasty star’s peccadillo for unconventional forms of sex after the controversial star came under fire for comparing human homosexuals to drunkards, terrorists, and prostitutes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television3 Comments

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Words alone cannot describe the wonderfulness of Sheldon Cooper.

The main star of the television series ‘The Big Bang Theory’ has set the new bar high for all those nerdists who will surely follow in his footsteps hereafter.

He is the penultimate geek, the very pinnacle of nerdism that is humanly possible outside of becoming a cyborg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Television12 Comments

Mega-Millionaire Ricky Gervais Sells Out Stephen Merchant

Mega-Millionaire Ricky Gervais Sells Out Stephen Merchant

Ricky Gervais blessed the sitcom world with the creation of “The Office” and numerous other brilliant shows. But it seems he’s forgotten what made him great as he threw his longtime friend and comedy partner Stephen Merchant under the bus.

Comic genius and self-professed egomaniac Ricky Gervais is the creator of the international smash franchise “The Office” as well as critically acclaimed shows like “Derek”, “An Idiot Abroad,” “Extras” and four masterful stand up comedy tours. Doesn’t mean he’s not a prick. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television17 Comments

MTV Promises to Literally Double Gross by 2015

MTV Promises to Literally Double Gross by 2015

MTV, long known as the first choice in late-night music and regular hours infomercials and reality porn-fer-tainment has set an ambitious goal; to double their gross by 2015, and they’re committed to scraping the gross bottom of the barrel to make it happen.

“We’re thinking maybe a show about sexy little people who are also mentally challenged, or a show about sufferers of gigantism who have very small genitalia, but very high sex drives,” said MTV president Stephen K. Friedman. “That would easily be twice as gross, right?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Television0 Comments

Power Outage Pulls Plug on South Park Episode

Power Outage Pulls Plug on South Park Episode

Los Angeles: In these uncertain and unstable times there is still one thing the people of America believed they could rely on. Now, all hope is lost and even when the government shutdown ends (which if Cartman has anything to do with, will soon go the way of Kenny) an episode of South Park will still have been delayed.

For the first time in its 16 year, 240 episode history, creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone failed to deliver. No, they weren’t out dress shopping for the next awards show; they simply couldn’t meet their notoriously tight deadline due to a massive “unscheduled” power cut- which sounds more like something that was on the agenda at the last Republican meeting.

So, in a week rife with satirical possibilities and bursting with the opportunity for some political humour, viewers got to watch an all time fan favourite episode entitled “Scott Tenorman Must Die”.

Many viewers inserted ‘Republicans’ in the place of Scott Tenorman and experienced a happy, glowing feeling after viewing. The choice was kind of relevant as the episodes features Cartman trying to trick a boy into eating his own parents, which is about as counterproductive as the recent shutdown.

So, whilst the whole of America had waited to see how South Park was going to give the Republicans their typical brand of satirical treatment, the creators of the series sat in the dark. There was little that Parker and Stone could do to change the situation, so they probably spent their time writing new material by candlelight or playing mobile games at sites like www.mobilecasino.mobi – at least until their batteries went flat.

The power cut hit Los Angeles for several hours and made it impossible for the South Park production crew to meet their Comedy Central deadline, and Parker summed it up succinctly when he said it sucked.

The title of episode 1704 was “Goth Kids: Dawn of the Posers.” Which kind of sums up the way most of Republicans look when they don their dark suits. It could also have been reference to the fact that they continue to carry on like they are smoking some serious weed; and we all know goth kids do drugs. Either way, viewers will have to wait and see, that’s if the plug doesn’t get pulled out again next week.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Bill Maher to Debut “Overtime After Dark” Post-Post Show in 2014

Bill Maher to Debut “Overtime After Dark” Post-Post Show in 2014

HBO has enjoyed tremendous success with Bill Maher in their weekly late night slot, and even greater success in the web-only segment of the show “Overtime”, but now they’re taking it to the next level with “Overtime After Dark,” set to premiere in 2014.

“The show is good,” said Barry Goldsteinburg, acting agent for Bill Maher, “but with the continued success of Overtime we just felt it was the right time to take it to the next level.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Television1 Comment

Woman Watching Sitcom Frustrated Characters Not Doing Things Most Logical, Efficient Way

Woman Watching Sitcom Frustrated Characters Not Doing Things Most Logical, Efficient Way

MILWAUKEE, WI—While watching television Tuesday night, Diane Goodwyn expressed to reporters her frustration regarding characters in the ABC sitcom Tell Me About It doing things that made already bad situations only worse.

“No one wants to see that,” said the 53-year-old.

While gesturing her hands emphatically, an exasperated Goodwyn pointed out how foolish it was for a character to try to go on a blind date and manage a friend’s surprise party on the same night. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television0 Comments

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Posted in Crime, Television1 Comment

ABC’s “The Taste” Signs Starving Ethiopian Child as Season 2 Judge

ABC’s “The Taste” Signs Starving Ethiopian Child as Season 2 Judge

LOS ANGELES — Following Tuesday’s season one finale, producers of the ABC reality cooking show The Taste announced yesterday that they have finished a deal to replace Celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre on the judging panel next season with Random Starving Ethiopian Child “Umbeke.”

The move – which experts say should significantly increase the show’s ratings – will give the panel a broader range of tastes since Umbeke, according to producers, “will gobble down the weirder shit that even Bourdain won’t touch.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Television1 Comment

More Americans Turning to Glenn Beck for the Truth

More Americans Turning to Glenn Beck for the Truth

You may already know that Glenn Beck is handsome, charming and extremely intelligent, but did you know he also is the leading voice for many of America’s most lost and forgetten?

When the liberal media elite railroaded FOX News to take his wildly popular, amazingly informative show off the air, it had just begin to blossom. Well that show is still around, and countless Americans are still watching it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Television5 Comments

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