“Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp

Surprisingly, it just so happens that crappy low-budget cable shows have given in to the perpetual “progressive pressure” that is self-indulgently and self-promotingly applied by a certain variety of limousine-liberal, ivory-tower benefactor known as a “diversity expert.”

Yes: the PC cause du jour of Big Disability, to wit, giving autistic/Asperger’s people “more representation” in the media, is one that Big Cable is pretty damn down with. Although obviously, letting us “special folks” speak for OURSELVES is quite clearly not on the menu. Have a look at what the following highly talented and benevolent television personality had to say…

Now, quite understandably, you may think this consummately dumb-looking kid is incapable of wiping his ass. I mean, I gotta tell you, that was my first thought when seeing this very special and beloved child.

Same for his parents, who despaired of their apparently thick-as-shit offspring ever making anything of himself; could he ever transcend his deplorably cavernous and introverted existence? But wait till you see part two of this incredible and inspiring story…

Well… we’re back already, after our fifteenth commercial break of this episode. Hope you enjoyed the ads! I mean, Wal-mart and How I Met Your Mother are literally great, aren’t they? I mean, I’m obviously not endorsing the crap from our ad-breaks, as such; I mean, just sayin’. …

And speakin’ of just sayin’, Tim Allen has a great ass, doesn’t he? I’m sure all you single ladies and whoever else out there totally agree!

Anyways, this kid looks a bit of a waste of space. Well, more than a BIT of a waste of space; how much taxpayer’s welfare money has been wasted on his voluminous array of Dr Who DVDs and obscure Japanese anime?

Yeah… gotta be honest with you, this was my first impression. And the second, and third, thousandth-and-yada-yada-yada, whatever. Bit of a lost cause, I’m not gonna lie.

But one day, the parents of this marvelous, incredible and inspiring child™ discovered that all along, he had been secretly taking down books from his parent’s bookshelves, and actually READING them.

Yes, reading them. I am telling you, seriously, he was READING them; actually, literally reading them; really! For real! No shit! Cross my heart and hope to die!

Well… talk about inspiring! But; oh my gosh, you’re not gonna believe this! Wait for it… this kid now works in a library; they even PAY him; and he actually WRITES BOOKS of his own!

I mean seriously, I SWEAR, I am NOT kidding you! Hard to believe, I know! Like, literally: proper, actual books! I mean, not cute and amusing and “that’s nice, dear” pencil sketches of Mommy and Daddy and the family puppy: actual books!

…Like, history and poetry and the kind of stuff that normal, reasonably intelligent folks like you or me™ literally wouldn’t be ashamed at all to read; can you ACTUALLY believe it?

I mean, this is just absolutely incredible! Seriously! Talk about an autistic savant™, huh? I mean, next week, I’ve got some more inspiring stories of ordinary common salt-of the-earth folks™ overcoming absolutely INCREDIBLE odds™; but as always, hard to say in advance if we can top this one.

Yeah, this kid is simply DYNAMITE-on-a-stick; not to mention diversity-on-a-stick! The kaleidoscopic abundance of diversity in our glorious Technicolor world of every tribe and nation just about makes me want to jizz in my pants!

Like, oh my gosh, I just love diversity! It would be pretty boring if we were all the same, wouldn’t it?™ I’d hate that! It’s great when these fantastic people who are, you know, just a wee bit different and pretty damn intriguing and inexplicable, add a smidgen of exotic color and interest to our lives!

I mean, he’s just warmed my heart to blazes, I tell ya! Like, OMG, dude! What an incredible transformation™: from Captain Autism to Captain Inspirational!

By the way, stay tuned; in a couple of minutes, your absolute FAVORITE: the next fabulous episode of “Cable TV’s Animal Videos that You Have Probably Never Seen Before but Really Wish You Hadn’t!”

Yeah, we have some simply fantastic award-winning and stunningly original sound effects on this coming episode, that you DEFINITELY won’t have heard before; swiiiing, wheeeeeeeeee, kik-kik, tee-hee-hee, ha-ha, op-bop-bop! PONGGGGGGGGG!

Don’t miss it… you’ll regret it! Oh my gosh, I just love this stuff! Autistic savants, performing animals, don’t we just live in a simply wonderful world!

OMG, talked a bit too much, this one time at least; well, we shoulda been on the 37th ad-break by now! Hee hee! Oh, isn’t cable TV simply fantastic, this article says that is one of the technologies that people uses the most!

OK, seen it! We all know the sort of crap that people put out to make themselves feel “nice” and “caring;” hell, maybe even “progressive” and “enlightened,” at a push. In the near future, find out how this feel-good gushy sentimentality has even contaminated mainstream, fairly-orthodox-but-not-fundamentalist-as-such-Christianity™.

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!