Poll: Over 50% of US Women Have Been Drugged, Improperly Touched by Cosby

Bill Cosby’s PR nightmare has gotten worse. In addition to the original seven to fourteen women who accused the formerly beloved comedian of sexual assault, more and more women have spoken up in a show of solidarity with their abused sisters.

It has gotten to the point that pollsters estimate that half of all women in the United States now claim they were drugged and raped by Bill Cosby.

“How many women have to come forward before people believe their stories?” CNN’s Nancy Grace asked, or rather shouted on her news show.

“The number is up to seventy million now, plus we just found a bag lady on the street, so that makes seventy-one. Mr. Cosby seems to have drugged every young woman who lived in the seventies through the nineties. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed he didn’t get me, so I could share the pain of these women a little more fully.”

Grace then went back to her duty of bellowing at female guests and demanding they share their sordid stories in fuller and more intimate detail.

Cosby’s lawyers are denying the allegations, pointing out that Cosby has never been convicted of anything.

Attorney Martin Singer said, “These claims are ridiculous. Just because women throughout the country are standing by their remarkably similar claims and bravely standing by their stories, that means nothing. Oh, who am I kidding? I give up.” The lawyer then threw his papers in the air and walked away.

Things have gotten so bad that the Reverend Al Sharpton is declining to defend the comedian. “I’ve never said this in my life,” the reverend spoke on his MSNBC show, but this is not racially motivated.

“I’ve known about Bill’s bad habits for years. As a reverend I could call him and ask him to change his ways, but that’ll never happen.”


The network is said to be erasing all tapes of the show, while Congress and the Senate are said to be considering a rare bipartisan action to ban the use of Cosby’s name from public use. Actor Malcolm Jamal-Warner, who played Theo Huxtable on the show, is said to be despondent , as the show represented his entire career.

Actress Lisa Bonet, however, says she is okay with the network’s actions. “I did more than just The Cosby Show,” the actress said, “I was married to Lenny Kravitz for a while, so I’ve still got that.”

Nonetheless, the comedian does appear to have a few supporters. Most of them seem to be white internet users who wish they were black, like someone calling himself NerdNinja, who posted, “These women be gold diggin’ hos. They all after a man’s money.”

Glenn Beck, speaking on his radio show, said it’s the liberal media who are the real rapists and asks, “Why is Bill Cosby on trial. Shouldn’t Barack Obama be the one on trial, when his liberal friends are the ones who are publicly raping Bill Cosby?”

He then called for all journalists who work for a network other than Fox News to be publicly raped on the steps of the Capitol.

A lady we picked at the random off the street told us, “It’s important to stick behind the black man in the face of white-controlled media. Unfortunately it’s very difficult. Usually my friends agree with me. Unfortunately, most of them were assaulted by Mr. Cosby, so this is an exception.”

The controversy resulted in an awkward AP interview in which Cosby pathetically begged the interviewer to excise the section of his interview in which he refused to comment on the allegations, even as wife Camille Cosby stared ahead with a frozen smile.

The interview ended with the reporter pleading, “It’s not up to me, I don’t run the show” in a whiny voice before breaking down and sobbing, “Please deny the allegations, why won’t you say it’s not true? Please don’t destroy my childhood, Mr. Huxtable. Say it’s not so!”

The fallout threatens to erase the comedian’s career from popular culture for good. Already the TV Land network has pulled The Cosby Show from its lineup and replaced it with reruns of the old cop show Baretta.

Prior to this The Cosby Show made up half the network’s lineup, the other half consisting of The Beverly Hillbillies and an occasional Facts of Life.

Cosby himself continues to perform comedy routines. At a show in the Bahamas he castigated black youths for their misbehavior. “Pull your damn pants up!” he bellowed.

“When I was a boy my mama made me pull my pants up. No wonder so many of you are in jail, wearing orange. My parents raised me right. Sure I rape women, but I do it the right way, in secret. My parents knew that if I grew up the right way, I’d make a lot of money and be able to pay to make these allegations go away. That’s the way a man does it.”

Author: Brett Taylor

Brett Taylor contributes to The Spoof from time to time. His rants and rambles can be found on Open Salon. He looks a little scary but if you feed him peanuts everything will go fine.

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