Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.

Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things evil and liberal in our pure Aryan society (evil and liberal being the same thing), he has now turned into a horse of another color when offered a shot at fame and fortune. Read more Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman


Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You

Jennette McCurdy, the 21-year-old star of Nickelodeon’s Sam and Cat and iCarly is making headlines not fit for her Nickelodeon audience. Nudey headlines.

Several more semi-nude selfies have been leaked to the media, and we do mean leaked. The glossy 8×10’s were literally dripping with salaciousness when they arrived in our P.O. Box.

In them, the waifish blonde poses seductively on her bed dressed only in what appears to be whipped cream, sweat, and an unknown substance that may or may not be Nickelodeon’s famous green slime, but in a cloudy, whitish color. Read more Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You


Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Read more Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks


Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom. Read more Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’


Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.

No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.

“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Read more Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63


Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction

Los Angeles, California – Since her celebrated beginnings in Nashville, Tennessee, as the daughter of country singer, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus has experienced a radiant career that has taken her from the Disney Channel to the big stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards to her current role as an outside consultant for the United States Army.

“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she decides to run for President one day,” proclaimed Sergeant Dennis Hoppler, who has followed Miley’s career from the beginning when she portrayed a Girl Scout cookie seller in the film, Little Bitches, starring Mickey Rourke and Madonna. Read more Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction


2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.

And the Oscar Oscars go to…

Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.

Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2”.

Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.

Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.

Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.

Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.

Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.

Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.

Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.

Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.

Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.

Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.

Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.

Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.


Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Read more Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan


Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Back in 1982 a little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral making them household names and catapulting them into music immortality. Symbolizing small town kids living the American Dream of the late 20th century, the years have not been kind to the couple, who recently announced their plans to divorce.

Growing up in the Bible Belt and lacking even the most basic of sex education, the couple confessed to believing the rhythm method involved “just doing it real slow.”

Now 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild later, they have decided to call it quits and separately do as they please. Read more Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce


Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair

Los Angeles, California – Former feature writer, Larry McSwag, of the newspaper known as the Los Mangeles Times was fired Monday for writing then printing an article that misspelled the name of celebrated actress, Angelina Jolie, referring to her as “Mangelina Jolie.”

“Had it been anyone else, people wouldn’t give a damn,” said the paper’s editor, Ty Clemynuts, who was superimposing a head shot of Justin Bieber on the body of Miley Cyrus at the time. Read more Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair


Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

The Internet is all a twitter over Kendall Jenner’s romp down the catwalk at Thurdays New York Fashion Week dressed in a shear, boob flaunting Marc Jacobs original. It didn’t take long for the fur to fly.

In a tweet later that day half sister Khloe Kardashian posted “Boobs? What boobs? All I saw were a couple of chest pimples. Seriously, does she have a plastic surgeon?”.

Later Kourtney Kardashian followed up “Kendall is only half Kardashian. Obviously she got too many genes from ambiguously male daddy Bruce and not enough from the good side of the family.” Read more Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”


Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Justin Bieber fans everywhere celebrated the passing of arguably the greatest performer in American history this weekend when pizza grease on a napkin at BoBo’s Pizza Kitchen in South Philadelphia revealed a clear image of the late star.

“I actually had a heart attack when I looked down and saw the image in front of me,” said longtime pizza lover and Bieber fan, Martin Slomvieskewicz, as he was being released from the hospital after a two day stay on Monday.

“It was like he was speaking to me from beyond the grave and it was the best and worst moment of my life. Ouch!” Added Slomvieskewicz. Read more Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image


Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.


Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]


Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

An impromptu poll in Variety Magazine Online has voted actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Unluckiest Person in the World” after dying of a heroin overdose on Superbowl Sunday.

Hoffman, best known for his work in “Boogie Nights” and Oscar winning performance “Capote” was found dead early Sunday morning in his Greenwich residence with a heroin needle sticking out of his arm.

Agents and public relations managers consider it an albatross to die on a busy media day as the conflicting news attractions draw attention away from the celebrities death. The Super Bowl is considered the perfect storm black hole of media diversions. Read more Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”


ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF

Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Read more ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF


George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

Alamo, TX – Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on March 1st.

Cox is best known for his roles in Bad Santa and Date Movie as well as playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Read more George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok


Johansson “I Was Unaware OXFAM Filled w/ Anti Semitic Jew Hating Nazis”

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood screen goddess Scarlett Johansson has resigned as ambassador of international human rights organization OXFAM after receiving criticism from the group over her recent ad work for the West Bank based Israeli company Sodastream.

OXFAM, an international confederation of 17 organizations in 90 countries works to find solutions to poverty and end injustice and exploitation of poor people around the world. Read more Johansson “I Was Unaware OXFAM Filled w/ Anti Semitic Jew Hating Nazis”