Blagojevich Turns Air Blue, Flame-Grills Gordon Ramsay’s Ass

Rod Blagojevich hasn’t been content with his recent numerous high profile media appearances.

You know, Celebrity Apprentice, biased FOX/MSNBC news reports, Oprah Winfrey…

And even the “Wanted” posters pinned up in a certain large urban settlement in Illinois.

So he’s decided that in order to really hit the big-time again, and be “wanted” in a much “nicer” way, an appearance on Celebrity Career Re-boot (Culinary Version) was a pressing necessity.

Naturally, a “necessity” is one of those things you’re… well…

Thoroughly-Reluctant-To-Do-But-Just-Have-To-Accomplish-For-Some-Ineffable-Higher-Purpose-Whatever-The-Cost™…

Make of that what you will.
tony blair imposing meme
Well, it appears to have worked. His-Most-Exalted-Silver-Tongued-Curse-Offiness has now re-hit the big-time, with a sweary video to rival those of Christian Bale, Ozzy Osbourne, George Carlin…

Or even Nick Griffin, when the Andorran Gay Illuminati maliciously conspired to bring an end to his Sterling-Storm-Trooping-Outside-Of-The-Box-Political-Career.

In any case, Gordon Ramsay has now joined His-Most-Exalted-Not-Plumb-Centered-Communicative-Discourseness in the celebrity wilderness. He bit off more than he could chew, when he extended the iron first of friendship to Blagojevich with a genial witticism about the latter’s sunken soufflé.

(Predictable culinary pun about audacious acts? C’mon! You never complain when our achingly conspicuous Fox/MSNBC haters do the same).
gordon ramsay friendly advice
His-Most-Exalted-Culinary-Banterness oh-so-compassionately observed that the soufflé of his fellow Semantic-Upper-Handness-Warrior hadn’t turned out quite as planned…

(A bit like a certain edgy business transaction that The Mainstream Media had maliciously and cynically attributed to Blagojevich).

Yes, the achingly-well-meaning Ramsay felt a “degree of concern” and made an utterly principled, completely justified, and totally warranted intervention™…

(Oh wait, sorry, that was for the article on the Cheney-Kerry-Photo-Opportunity-Industrial-Complex).

dick cheney anti-interference

Hence, wishing to give his fellow-collaborator a bit of encouragement and to save him from himself (naturally, in the most genial, humorous, and non-dispiriting manner possible), Ramsay pleasantly inquired:

“WHAT THE F*** is that pile of STINKING BOLLOCKS you have just slopped out there, you STUPID F***ING PRICK?!”

Instead of receiving Ramsay’s witty and generous jest in the good spirit originally intended, an enraged Blagojevich™ somehow manifested a degree of discontent and ingratitude that was not precisely reminiscent of a Late-Frankfurtian-Habermasian-Intersubjective-Ideal-Speech-Situation™.

(Huh? Hell if I know… leave that shit to the MSNBC ivory-tower-intellectuals…

Or at least their anti-academic haters at Fox).

Blagojevich’s consummately thoughtful and well considered response was as follows…

Oh wait, what’s that?

rod blagojevich high journalistic standards

OK Rod, I’ll give it a shot…

Ramsay, you f***in’ BRIT BASTARD, I f***in’ warned you, didn’t I F***IN’ WARN YOU, Gordon Ramsay, didn’t I?

Go to f***in’ Hell, I shit on your stove, your bloody crappy saucepans, I am gonna, gonna f***in’ piss all over your children’s faces because you are a dirty f***in’ filthy condescendin’ son of a bitch…

NO, F*** IT!!! No YOU f*** it, I am f***in’ tellin’ you, you shitty little tinpot-pisspottin’-f***in’-dictator!!!

I’m DAMNED if I’m letting a shitty little Brit son of a bitch like you criticise MY F***IN’ COOKIN’, I need to FEED my F***IN’ FAMILY, who else is gonna F***IN’ do it, that’s right, f***in’ hear it, f***in’ HEAR it you little shit…

No, no, I f***in’ warned you, f***in’ tellin you now, you ass-lickin’ little English bastard, you are gonna f***in’ pay for this!!!

NO, SHUT THE F*** UP, all this time, been f***in’ warnin’ you, but did you listen?

DID YOU LISTEN THE F*** up? Tell me, bitch? What’ve you got to F***IN’ say, you little weasel? Little F***IN’ weasel?

You talk about HELL’S F***IN’ KITCHEN, you aint’ seen F*** ALL, you f***in’ miserable little shit-lickin’ SHITBAG…

Now go THE F*** BACK to your house, back to your UGLY F***IN’ WIFE and your STUPID F****in’ kids, and tell them all what a F***IN’ asshole you’ve been…

Write this f***in’ SHIT and report back to me. Write it in f***in’ letters of f***in’ blood, and you better write it f***in’ RIGHT…

You despicable bastard-f***in’-sack-of-crap!!!

Well? How many F***IN’ WORDS you gonna F***IN’ WRITE, genius? It better be F***IN’ good, Ramsay, you F***IN’ prick. Such a GOOD F***IN’ FAMILY man, arentcha?

Answer me? F***IN’ ANSWER me, you STUPID F***IN’ scumbucket-f***er!!!

Is that a yes? Yes? A f***in’ yes, can’t even F***IN’ SAY IT, can ya? Oh, finally grow some balls, huh? You gonna stand here and tell me a SLIMY, LIMEY, F****IN’ little bastard like you is a GOOD F***IN’ family man?

Well, there’s ONLY ONE f***in’ family man in this room, any F***IN’ IDEAS who it might be?

OHHH, f*** YEAH! Cat got your f***in’ tongue, huh? Oh, silent all of a f***in’ sudden, not so F***IN’ BRAVE NOW, ARE WE? That’s right, say it, F***IN’ say it, SAY IT, F***IN’ GOD-DAMN-YOU!!!

Oh. That’s progress!!! That’s really f***in’ progress, huh? Louder…

That’s right, F***IN’ LOUDER, AND tell the WHOLE WORLD..

What an IDIOTIC F****IN’ MOTHERF***IN’ ASSWIPE YOU ARE…

TELL YOUR STUPID F***IN’ FAMILY, THOSE F****IN’ IDIOTIC BASTARD-DOUCHEBAGS who employ you, your whole STUPID F***IN’ COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY, ALL THE MOTHERF***IN’ COUNTRIES in this STUPID, BLAZING, FLAMING F***IN’ WORLD…

And scream and roar at the TOP OF YOUR F***IN’ voice, until your F***IN’ LUNGS burst, your F***IN’ STUPID BRAIN explodes, and you get carried home in a BLAZING F***IN’ BOX for your SHITTY FAMILY to CRY THE F***IN’ CRAP OUT OF THEMSELVES…

Now you F***IN’ REPEAT THE F***IN’-F***IN’-F***-F***-F***iness out of this shit:

“I am the:

“BIGGEST HEAP OF CONTEMPTIBLE, WORTHLESS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS SACK-OF-CRAP IN THE WHOLE SHITTY F***IN’ HISTORY OF THIS ACHIN’, F***IN’, BLEEDIN’, SHIT-RIDDEN, GOD-FORSAKEN, HELL-BOUND-BLAZIN’ COSMIC F***-DUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Close enough, Rod?

rod blagojevich special pleading

At this point, the beleaguered microphones appear to have surrendered under The-Sound-And-The-Fury of this All-American-Hero.

Still, it didn’t precisely “signify nothing.” On the contrary, Rod Blagojevich has finally made it back into the big-time…

As Master-Torturer-And-Humiliator-In-Chiefiness at Guantanamo Bay. Talk about Enhanced-Disapprobation-Techniques-Which-Are-Needed-To-Protect-America’s-Borders™, huh?

Well, this really does prove that in America, if you only have diligence, a sound work ethic, commitment, courage, (and a degree of egotistical self-indulgence), you really CAN get back to the top™.
elizabeth warren holistic vision
But the same can’t be said for the once rowdy and sharp-tongued Ramsay, who is now bed-ridden for life, and swears he will never set foot in a kitchen again… or even eat anything cooked in one.

I mean, he even pisses himself in fear at the smell of a nice chicken fajita or curry.

Then again, the same could be said for not a few ethnocentric paleocons™…

And even some of their mainstream neocon haters.

I guess, ultimately, when it comes down to it, we really aren’t Our Brother’s Keepers™. Rod couldn’t get back to the top without kicking Ramsay to the curb.

Still, what an inspiring and incredible figure. We wish him well.

rod blagojevich displeased

But hey, Rod, I had a bit of fun with some GOP-ers in this article, too. Can’t say I’m too partisan, huh? ;)

rod blagojevich conciliatory

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.