Rod Blagojevich hasn’t been content with his recent numerous high profile media appearances.
You know, Celebrity Apprentice, biased FOX/MSNBC news reports, Oprah Winfrey…
And even the “Wanted” posters pinned up in a certain large urban settlement in Illinois.
So he’s decided that in order to really hit the big-time again, and be “wanted” in a much “nicer” way, an appearance on Celebrity Career Re-boot (Culinary Version) was a pressing necessity.
Naturally, a “necessity” is one of those things you’re… well…
Thoroughly-Reluctant-To-Do-But-Just-Have-To-Accomplish-For-Some-Ineffable-Higher-Purpose-Whatever-The-Cost™…
Make of that what you will.
Well, it appears to have worked. His-Most-Exalted-Silver-Tongued-Curse-Offiness has now re-hit the big-time, with a sweary video to rival those of Christian Bale, Ozzy Osbourne, George Carlin…
Or even Nick Griffin, when the Andorran Gay Illuminati maliciously conspired to bring an end to his Sterling-Storm-Trooping-Outside-Of-The-Box-Political-Career.
In any case, Gordon Ramsay has now joined His-Most-Exalted-Not-Plumb-Centered-Communicative-Discourseness in the celebrity wilderness. He bit off more than he could chew, when he extended the iron first of friendship to Blagojevich with a genial witticism about the latter’s sunken soufflé.
(Predictable culinary pun about audacious acts? C’mon! You never complain when our achingly conspicuous Fox/MSNBC haters do the same).
His-Most-Exalted-Culinary-Banterness oh-so-compassionately observed that the soufflé of his fellow Semantic-Upper-Handness-Warrior hadn’t turned out quite as planned…
(A bit like a certain edgy business transaction that The Mainstream Media had maliciously and cynically attributed to Blagojevich).
Yes, the achingly-well-meaning Ramsay felt a “degree of concern” and made an utterly principled, completely justified, and totally warranted intervention™…
(Oh wait, sorry, that was for the article on the Cheney-Kerry-Photo-Opportunity-Industrial-Complex).
Hence, wishing to give his fellow-collaborator a bit of encouragement and to save him from himself (naturally, in the most genial, humorous, and non-dispiriting manner possible), Ramsay pleasantly inquired:
“WHAT THE F*** is that pile of STINKING BOLLOCKS you have just slopped out there, you STUPID F***ING PRICK?!”
Instead of receiving Ramsay’s witty and generous jest in the good spirit originally intended, an enraged Blagojevich™ somehow manifested a degree of discontent and ingratitude that was not precisely reminiscent of a Late-Frankfurtian-Habermasian-Intersubjective-Ideal-Speech-Situation™.
(Huh? Hell if I know… leave that shit to the MSNBC ivory-tower-intellectuals…
Or at least their anti-academic haters at Fox).
Blagojevich’s consummately thoughtful and well considered response was as follows…
Oh wait, what’s that?
OK Rod, I’ll give it a shot…
Ramsay, you f***in’ BRIT BASTARD, I f***in’ warned you, didn’t I F***IN’ WARN YOU, Gordon Ramsay, didn’t I?
Go to f***in’ Hell, I shit on your stove, your bloody crappy saucepans, I am gonna, gonna f***in’ piss all over your children’s faces because you are a dirty f***in’ filthy condescendin’ son of a bitch…
NO, F*** IT!!! No YOU f*** it, I am f***in’ tellin’ you, you shitty little tinpot-pisspottin’-f***in’-dictator!!!
I’m DAMNED if I’m letting a shitty little Brit son of a bitch like you criticise MY F***IN’ COOKIN’, I need to FEED my F***IN’ FAMILY, who else is gonna F***IN’ do it, that’s right, f***in’ hear it, f***in’ HEAR it you little shit…
No, no, I f***in’ warned you, f***in’ tellin you now, you ass-lickin’ little English bastard, you are gonna f***in’ pay for this!!!
NO, SHUT THE F*** UP, all this time, been f***in’ warnin’ you, but did you listen?
DID YOU LISTEN THE F*** up? Tell me, bitch? What’ve you got to F***IN’ say, you little weasel? Little F***IN’ weasel?
You talk about HELL’S F***IN’ KITCHEN, you aint’ seen F*** ALL, you f***in’ miserable little shit-lickin’ SHITBAG…
Now go THE F*** BACK to your house, back to your UGLY F***IN’ WIFE and your STUPID F****in’ kids, and tell them all what a F***IN’ asshole you’ve been…
Write this f***in’ SHIT and report back to me. Write it in f***in’ letters of f***in’ blood, and you better write it f***in’ RIGHT…
You despicable bastard-f***in’-sack-of-crap!!!
Well? How many F***IN’ WORDS you gonna F***IN’ WRITE, genius? It better be F***IN’ good, Ramsay, you F***IN’ prick. Such a GOOD F***IN’ FAMILY man, arentcha?
Answer me? F***IN’ ANSWER me, you STUPID F***IN’ scumbucket-f***er!!!
Is that a yes? Yes? A f***in’ yes, can’t even F***IN’ SAY IT, can ya? Oh, finally grow some balls, huh? You gonna stand here and tell me a SLIMY, LIMEY, F****IN’ little bastard like you is a GOOD F***IN’ family man?
Well, there’s ONLY ONE f***in’ family man in this room, any F***IN’ IDEAS who it might be?
OHHH, f*** YEAH! Cat got your f***in’ tongue, huh? Oh, silent all of a f***in’ sudden, not so F***IN’ BRAVE NOW, ARE WE? That’s right, say it, F***IN’ say it, SAY IT, F***IN’ GOD-DAMN-YOU!!!
Oh. That’s progress!!! That’s really f***in’ progress, huh? Louder…
That’s right, F***IN’ LOUDER, AND tell the WHOLE WORLD..
What an IDIOTIC F****IN’ MOTHERF***IN’ ASSWIPE YOU ARE…
TELL YOUR STUPID F***IN’ FAMILY, THOSE F****IN’ IDIOTIC BASTARD-DOUCHEBAGS who employ you, your whole STUPID F***IN’ COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY, ALL THE MOTHERF***IN’ COUNTRIES in this STUPID, BLAZING, FLAMING F***IN’ WORLD…
And scream and roar at the TOP OF YOUR F***IN’ voice, until your F***IN’ LUNGS burst, your F***IN’ STUPID BRAIN explodes, and you get carried home in a BLAZING F***IN’ BOX for your SHITTY FAMILY to CRY THE F***IN’ CRAP OUT OF THEMSELVES…
Now you F***IN’ REPEAT THE F***IN’-F***IN’-F***-F***-F***iness out of this shit:
“I am the:
“BIGGEST HEAP OF CONTEMPTIBLE, WORTHLESS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS SACK-OF-CRAP IN THE WHOLE SHITTY F***IN’ HISTORY OF THIS ACHIN’, F***IN’, BLEEDIN’, SHIT-RIDDEN, GOD-FORSAKEN, HELL-BOUND-BLAZIN’ COSMIC F***-DUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Close enough, Rod?
At this point, the beleaguered microphones appear to have surrendered under The-Sound-And-The-Fury of this All-American-Hero.
Still, it didn’t precisely “signify nothing.” On the contrary, Rod Blagojevich has finally made it back into the big-time…
As Master-Torturer-And-Humiliator-In-Chiefiness at Guantanamo Bay. Talk about Enhanced-Disapprobation-Techniques-Which-Are-Needed-To-Protect-America’s-Borders™, huh?
Well, this really does prove that in America, if you only have diligence, a sound work ethic, commitment, courage, (and a degree of egotistical self-indulgence), you really CAN get back to the top™.
But the same can’t be said for the once rowdy and sharp-tongued Ramsay, who is now bed-ridden for life, and swears he will never set foot in a kitchen again… or even eat anything cooked in one.
I mean, he even pisses himself in fear at the smell of a nice chicken fajita or curry.
Then again, the same could be said for not a few ethnocentric paleocons™…
And even some of their mainstream neocon haters.
I guess, ultimately, when it comes down to it, we really aren’t Our Brother’s Keepers™. Rod couldn’t get back to the top without kicking Ramsay to the curb.
Still, what an inspiring and incredible figure. We wish him well.
But hey, Rod, I had a bit of fun with some GOP-ers in this article, too. Can’t say I’m too partisan, huh? 😉
