In response to accusations of sexual assault against Bill Cosby, his lawyers have repeatedly denied, dismissed and discredited allegations. However, they have yet to address each allegation individually.
Recently, we at Glossy News have discovered secret documents with the working response to each and every allegation.
1965 Allegation: Alleged victim passed out after drinking one cocktail at a party where she ended up being the sole guest; woke up to forced oral sex.
Lawyer response: “I don’t know why she’s making this up. It must be for money or fame.”
1967 Allegation: In a moment alone, Cosby pulled accuser close and kissed her roughly
Lawyer response: “Even I want to be kissed roughly by Bill Cosby. Doesn’t count.”
1969 Allegation: Invited over for mentoring; raped
Lawyer response: “Ooh, ooh! A conspiracy! Now it’s definitely a conspiracy.”
1970 Allegation: Just months after death of young son, Playboy Playmate given ‘happy’ pill by Cosby. Forced oral sex and rape.
Lawyer response: “After Cosby’s routine the previous year about slipping Spanish Fly into women’s drinks on his album unfortunately entitled ‘It’s True! It’s True!’, this girl laid in wait for 43 years until the coven of conspirators was ready.”
1971 Allegation: Forced oral sex
Lawyer response: “False Memory Syndrome.”
1973 Allegation: Grabbed breast
Lawyer response: “Jesus, we’re going to be here for hours if we go over all these accusations one by one. Forget these women. Let’s just focus on our randomized responses, shall we?”
But he’s Mr. Huxtable! With the funny and the nice and the good deeds and the sound effects!
Heart stopped beating from drugging so, technically, necrophilia not rape.
Spanish Fly addict.
Paranoia and delusional schizoid fantasy with severe, intermittent Baron von Munchausen factitious disorder.
Famity fame fame fame.
Alright, you got us. This one may have happened.
Shits and giggles.
Once men are married, they just have a way to shut that whole rape thing down.
His wife believes him.
Jackophilia: A very rare sexual fantasy in which the afflicted has an unrelenting desire to see his or her name dragged through the public in the most humiliating and degrading way possible.
Game of Thrones on hiatus; used self as fictional rape victim instead.
Have I said ‘fame’ lately? Fame.
Have I said ‘money’ lately? Money.
Private investigator has found intel that accuser is bringing charges of cannibalism against Tom Hanks and bestiality against Mr. Rogers next.
At press time, lawyers were preparing the brief, tentatively entitled: ‘Bitches Be Crazy.’ Legal interns were working around the clock for alternate title names, including: ‘93% of Women in America are Lying, Delusional and Crazy’ or “I’m just a lowly intern at this law office and I’m going to get my ass fired for saying this, but this guy is guilty as f*ck.”