DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable

DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable

The Democratic Unionist Party, not to be confused with the Worker’s Party of North Korea and the Taxpayers’ Alliance, have always been among the staunchest opponents of reactionary social norms and backward, superstitious obscurantism.

Well, at least when these civic abberations are coming from non-evangelical-fundamentalist sources, anyway!

But when challenged by perfidious Celtsman Andrew Neil of the BBC, DUP head establishment doorstop Darlene Whatever-the-Name-Is appeared to genuinely struggle to articulate why she considers the jihadist menace to be such a big deal.

The boisterous saffron superstar growled out:

C’mon now, lassie! You are supposed tae bee in gurnmint wi’ the Tooooouuuuuries! ‘N’ ye mean tee say ye dinneeeeevn knaw preciiiiisely warritiz aboot the jeehadeeeees ye dunt even like!

Flouncing Foster replied:

Well, to be fair tee ye, now, Andrewwwww, we just thought it was a wee bit ungodly, and all that there, now!

This comment was not well received.

Och now! Did yer ma drop ye on the head as a wean, Foster! Sure don’t the jeehadeeees clee-um tae be doin’ exactly the same thing as you folks!

A rather baffled Foster asked for further elucidation from the half-Anglified Bard o’ Bannockburn.

Spiky Andy responded:

Well, they think gay people, or as you folk call them, ‘Sodomites,’ are headin’ for the  eternal hellfire. And a weeman’s place is in the home. And people o’ ungodly accursed religions and other blasphemers shall undergo eternal punishment for their satanic wiles and blasphemies!

Immediately perking up, Foster muttered that if the DUP were open-minded enough to do a deal with Sinn Fein, they could probably stretch to a meaningful political compromise with the jihadists. After all, their religious and moral differences are fairly inconsequential compared to the vast gulf separating good godfearing Ulster Prods from the perfidious, Papish, Romish heure o’ Babylon!

 

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Theresa May Resigns, Becomes Guardian Editor

Theresa May Resigns, Becomes Guardian Editor

Conservative Party leader Theresa May is tired of endless harassment from voters and grubby hard-right red-top hacks (like George Osborne of the Evening Standard). So, she has decided her career in politics is no longer a worthwhile pursuit.

Notable left-wing establishment broadsheet The Guardian is known for its uniquely conservative form of liberal and social democratic politics. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, World News0 Comments

Glastonbury Hosts Diversity ‘Jihad Rock’ Festival

Glastonbury Hosts Diversity ‘Jihad Rock’ Festival

Music festivals in the UK are not normally considered as being at the forefront of radical social activism. The days of Woodstock and anti-Vietnam protests being long gone, you’re more likely to see 21 century festival schmucks fighting over the last condom than the last polar bear.

And blowing chunks over your bedding is normally more of a problem than blowing chunks out of Iraqi orphans.

However, with various left wing and right populist eruptions occurring all over Europe and North America, it seems that music festivals are returning to their roots as a key focus of radical social critique and activism.

Right now, it seems that Glastonbury are trying to be a lot more socially conscious before.

Now in the name of celebrating diversity, the first Jihad Rock festival is about to take place soon.

A rival to the main Glastonbury festival, the Jihad Rock festival features plenty of booms and crashes, some great pyrotechnics on stage, and some superficially tough and sharp-edged 80s bears prancing around in flashy cloaks.

The Guardian has expressed reservations about the (potentially/arguably/’problematically’) homophobic and misogynistic implications of the festival, but generously notes:

On a sliding scale, this is probably a lesser evil than having hoodie-wearing, drunken working class Nazi thugs doing one of those horrid, crass and vulgar ska festivals of theirs. At least this way, there will be less risk of cultural appropriation.

Their opposite numbers in the Sun, true to form, are outraged.

This is disgusting! We can’t even celebrate our indigenous radical conservative customs in our own country!

Theresa May is currently confused as to which side to condemn first.

 

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Posted in Music, Top Stories0 Comments

Non-Wingnut Gamers/Roleplayers Sue Facebook: Alt-Right Garbage Clogging their Feed

Non-Wingnut Gamers/Roleplayers Sue Facebook: Alt-Right Garbage Clogging their Feed

The algorithm for Facebook boosted posts is causing severe trouble for the vanishingly small ‘political moderate’ faction of the Gamer/Roleplayer community.

Given the radical convergence between Zelda/World of Warcraft/Magic the Gathering fans and batshit NWO conspiracy theories, loony ten hour long rants on water fluoridation, and deranged ravings about FEMA camps, the Andorran Gay Illuminati and the Serbian Metrosexual Skull ‘n’ Bones Club…

Well, you could forgive Mark Zuckerberg for thinking it was perfectly acceptable to clog the Facebook feeds of gaming and roleplaying fans with the same conspiratorial horseshit…

Without getting into too many pedantic, quibbling distinctions over who was a wifebeating Bernie Bro Greenie and who was a sexually-frustrated basement-dwelling moron with self-diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes0 Comments

UK Rock Festivals Get More Diverse Line-Ups: Fans Outraged

UK Rock Festivals Get More Diverse Line-Ups: Fans Outraged

A couple of reports from Heat Street indicate that many social activists are sick of what they deem to be the exclusionary line-ups at rock festivals.

So, rock organizers are now trying to be more inclusive.

Instead of having straight white males playing rock, the MMDF 2017, or ‘Middlesborough Musical Diversity Festival of 2017’ will have: Continue Reading

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Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (2/2)

Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (2/2)

This is the tail end of Richard ‘Clever Dick’ Cheney’s speech from last time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, War Zone0 Comments

Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (1/2)

Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (1/2)

Dick Cheney has recently conducted the annual Edgar J. Hoover Memorial Lecture at the Hoover Institute; a notable think tank renowned, among other things, for its publications on foreign policy.

Cheney’s speech had a rather mixed reception; however, his discussion was certainly provocative. Here is a brief excerpt, entitled:

Stand Firm Against Those Who Defile the Honorable Name of Freedom Continue Reading

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Sneezing is One Tenth of an Orgasm: Islamic State Make War on Moldy Houses

Sneezing is One Tenth of an Orgasm: Islamic State Make War on Moldy Houses

ISIS and dodgy landlords.
One is an evil gang of nefarious gangsters and mafiosi, who give zero fucks about anyone else, and will trample over anyone in their day, doing whatever it takes to expand their evil empire.
The other one is an Islamic terrorist organization!
Still, it turns out that the freewheeling, freeriding anarcho-capitalist idealists and rugged individualists, er, Unitarians, are not at all satisfied with their radical Marxist housing policy of forcibly de-gentrifying the ancient Syrian metropolis of Palmyra. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, War Zone0 Comments

Manchester Bomber Meets Allah for the First Time (And Buddha Too)

Manchester Bomber Meets Allah for the First Time (And Buddha Too)

Hellfire?! But I did everything you asked me to!
WTF?! You got the power cut to your head, son!
No, I did it all, your Celestial Highness. Like, for real!
Hang on, I think I’ve lost the thread here. What exactly did you think I asked you to do?
Like, killing children, attacking civilians, shredding the flesh of pregnant mothers with shrapnel and nails, and…
Quotes or it didn’t happen!

Something something something kill-the-infidels-wherever-you-see-them, something something something Dar el Harb.
Listen, boy. When you’re in a hole, stop digging.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Tell them to let go of me! I’m your most loyal slave!
… WTF. Seriously, how do I even get these people?! If I wanted slaves, I would have given the earth to monkeys or some kind of vile, insect-like creature.
FUCK YOU, AL! I’M BEING FRIENDZONED!
Seriously. I’m sick of these fakers. They’re really breaking my groove. Hey Bud, how’s all that pretentious Myanmar theocracy bollocks goin’?
Same. Seriously, Al, I swear! These radical monk assholes are just sooooooooooo full of shit, man!
Some day, brother…
Some day….

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Jihadist Anti-Jokes

Jihadist Anti-Jokes

Sinners of the World Unite!

A Jew, and Christian and an atheist walk into a bar.

How devious are the wiles of Satan, that all kafrs can agree that alcohol is permissible!

Wasting Your Time

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk are playing golf.

How saddening it is, that the debauched and depraved people of the book cannot understand that the pleasures of this world are fleeting, and the world to come is forever!

Whores Must Perish

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Fatima.

Fatima? What is your mahram doing, are they not with you?

Nah.

Remember to bring your mahram with you. I do not consort with unaccompanied, impious specimens of the female community.

Playing Chicken is Mere Idleness

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Truly, the will of Allah is inscrutable. Better not to ask such idle questions concerning the wonders of his creation. Prayer is superior to the idleness of unenlightened curiosity.

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Obama Urges Americans to Arm Themselves: Gun Sales Finally Plummet

Obama Urges Americans to Arm Themselves: Gun Sales Finally Plummet

Conspicuously less-violent-than-Dubya former President and achingly photogenic satsuma-baiter Barack Obama has recently sounded a stirring clarion call for an imperilled America.

Obama resoundingly and uncompromisingly warns: Continue Reading

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Satire Bloggers: Don’t Forget About SEO

Satire Bloggers: Don’t Forget About SEO

With great regret, I’ve had to delete the two blogs from the Peace Criminals Project.

The project was made up of Neocon Surveillance and Satirical-Industrial Complex; earlier on, there was also Neocon Surveillance Network, which was later folded into Neocon Surveillance.

Sadly, although I knew how to write content and manage many of the IT fundamentals, I hadn’t read up on Search Engine Optimization (SEO).

It is very important for serious writers (or anyone else with a website), to read up on SEO, and to learn how to handle this very important IT skill. You may also wish to consider using free tools, or even subscribing to paid SEO tools like MOZ.

Still, I will learn from this experience.

The overwhelming majority of the material from the Peace Criminals Project sites has been archived (other than a small proportion of stuff, most of which is pretty unimportant). The material in question will be dispersed among other sites; including, but limited to Glossy News itself.

I hope that one day, a new site will spring up from the ashes of the old.

Wallace

 

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