Tony “Nice Advice Blair” Comforts Despondent Boris

Tony Blair

Widely admired MakeTheBestOfItEr and subterranean sack of squirming oyster spunk Tony “Nice Advice” Blair has offered some spiffing career advice to fellow overhyped spafflord Boris “Bugger ’Em Sherbetways” Johnson.

The Times of LONDON (NB!) stunningly and bravely noted that Awwah Tony, reflecting on past victories like the Peaceful Liberations of Liberia, Afghanistan and Tibet (oh well let’s throw in Libya for luck then!), mused in his usual inscrutably endearing manner:

Brexit is happening, and our attitude now should be to strive to make the best of it; to approach it with determined optimism, not looking.

Be optimistic and make it work, Tony Blair tells RemainersTony Blair today ended his three-and-a-half-year campaign of opposition to Brexit, telling remainers they now need to…

Our confidential anonymous sources in the Westminster spaffposting community have also dealt me a borderline salty leak:

It’s OK Boris, we all know where you’re coming from. People always question your judgment, it’s all part of the great game. But just remember, they’re not the ones in the driving seats, making the tough decisions! I mean hindsight is 20/20, that’s what I always say. Personally I’m sick of people coming up to me afterwards crying about how they don’t like my decisionmaking. Well it’s a bit late for that one now, isn’t it? I mean, why didn’t they say anything before?

I mean, I’m always ready to hear constructive criticism, but the whole point of this stuff is that you actually take the courage to pipe up a little before I actually make some kind of terrible honest mistake of some kind or another, I mean y’know, if you want to put it that way!

I mean you just mark my words, like personally I know I’ve never once ignored someone or been somehow, y’know smug or dismissive, or something of that ilk, or y’know whatever, purely because someone merely had the temerity to offer a contrary opinion. I mean, Heaven forfend! Sometimes, indeed, I mean to tell you the truth, anyway, well I really do rather wish people would speak up a little bit more and help me make decisions in a more consensual, democratic manner, rather than just as it were, y’know, cutting me adrift and leaving me to go it alone, when I’ve already begged them all a million times to give me some constructive, intelligent feedback on my proposals!

My favorite saying in these situations is:

“Told you so! Why didn’t you listen to me before? I mean, if only, if only, IF ONLY you’d listened to me when I told you to give me some helpful feedback on my latest cunning plan, I might have actually had a chance to weigh it carefully and then we’d have been alright? But I mean there’s no point getting upset now then, is there? Next time maybe follow my advice, OK? We all know nobody in the entire history of the world has ever suffered from listening to my helpful suggestions. What could possibly go wrong???”

Untold entirely unarmed and equally entirely unincinerated civilians agree with this stunning and brave act of grand scale political performance theatre.

Like about a hundred billion or so, last time I heard.

Well, let’s not get hung up on facts anyway.

Life’s more exciting that way.

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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