Author: TawdrySoup.Com
GOP Takes Issue with Democrats Breathing In or Out
RICHMOND, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In a statement today endorsed by Republicans in both the Senate and the House, the entire Republican party has taken issue with the breathing patterns of Democrats. “We feel that once again the Democrats are flip-flopping…
Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed
VENICE BEACH, California (GlossyNews) — Nineteen year old Malibu’s Most Wanted clone, Josh Milton, is feeling good vibes after his first real job interview. He successfully answered each question with, what can only be explained as, a convulsive fit of…
Miley Cyrus Keynote Speaker at Exhibitionists’ Convention
SAN FRANCISCO, Kalifornia (GlossyNews) — Underage puddy cat queen, Miley Cyrus, who stunned her ‘tween fans by climbing out of a convertible in front of hundreds of paparazzi wearing a skin-tight mini dress with no underwear, is keynote speaker at…
Miley Cyrus: My Vagina Now More Popular than Jesus
NASHVILLE, Tenn. (GlossyNews) — After blowing the top off the entertainment world by exposing her bottom, a la Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus has come up with another stunner to draw media attention to herself, a la John Lennon: she claims…
Vamonos: Obama Gives Arizona Back to Mexico
TEMPE, Arizona (GlossyNews) — In a move of political bravado termed “Operation Andale”, U.S President Barack Obama has signed an executive order handing Arizona back to Mexico, creating a stampede of Mexicans into bordering U.S. States. While the white citizens…
Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor
CHOPPER KNOB, Texas (GlossyNews) — Joe and Loretta McClure, who have not laid a finger on one another in the last 20 years of marriage, are local heroes after assassinating a coral snake they spotted last Sunday afternoon. The McClures…
Testimony Begins in Sloth Abuse Trial
TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty…
Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations.
Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the…
Country Kills Thousands to Steal Oil then Chokes on its Own
Norfolk, VA (GlossyNews) — FUTURE NEWS – Legend has it that a country called the United States, once described as a modern day Atlantis, was just wrapping up an horrific incident where it killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people…