Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed

VENICE BEACH, California (GlossyNews) — Nineteen year old Malibu’s Most Wanted clone, Josh Milton, is feeling good vibes after his first real job interview. He successfully answered each question with, what can only be explained as, a convulsive fit of rhymes and spastic hand gestures.

When asked by the interviewer, 52 year old Donna Wilson, where he was from, Milton didn’t say anything. He simply “threw up his sets,” which involved holding up three fingers to form an “E” to show he is from the East Side. Milton lives in the suburbs north of Chicago but may have been referring to his families vacation home in Martha’s Vinyard.

When the interviewer asked, “Why do you want to work at Flip Flop’s Car Wash?” Milton stood up and began making drum and choo-choo train noises into his left hand fist like Michael Winslow from the famed Police Academy movies. Milton referred to this practice as “beat boxing,” while doing the “Mos Def Wave” with his right hand. This bizarre ritual is done by moving the right hand up and down and side to side with the palm facing downward and fingers together. After about twenty seconds of this, he rhymed, “My name be Milton, first name Josh, you gotta car dat need be washed, don’t look no mo cuz I’m here now, kick back bizzatch I gots da Sham Wow.”

Milton then slapped his chest over his heart in what seemed like preparation for a Nazi salute, and then flashed the interviewer the hand sign for “I Love You” which he did by holding up his hand, palm out and closing the second and ring finger over his palm, leaving the thumb extended. When finished, he slouched in his chair, stroked his chin pubes and began opening and closing his thighs repeatedly in what can only be explained as an attempt to hypnotize Mrs. Wilson with his balls.

Mrs. Wilson, seemingly impressed, asked Milton if he had any previous experience. Milton jumped up, raised his right hand with first and second fingers pointed out, then blew into his hand made “beat box.” Next, the hand came down in the first of a number of “Slim Shady Chops.” “I been up da road and around da block and popped a cop with my 18 Glock. Don’t say I got no mot-iv-ation jus cuz I ain’t up your ass like con-sti-pation. I be in the lot makin’ the gold while no one else do what dey told.“ He turned his “gimme hat” sideways, a cloth cap with a bill, then wrapped his right hand around his chest, placed his left hand on his chin in a “thinker’s pose,“ and stared blankly at the interviewer.

“Well-I have one last question” said the interviewer, “What are your salary requirements?“ Milton grabbed his crotch and kicked out his left foot a little, then began doing the “Ninja Star” hand movement, putting his right hand down by his side and then moving the hand back and forth like a helplessly inept Jet Li. “Six figures ain’t belittlin to a rapper who ain’t in the middlin, and tho I might be from da gutter, you ain’t gonna pay me like I’s a motherfucker, cuz just like a ho who likes her dough I take my money in a Safeway sack, then blaze it up in a grape cigarillo stat. I drink my wine from yo momma’s titty and starve her in my penthouse overlookin’ da city.”

He sucked his lips into his mouth and opened up his eyes wide, holding that pose while the interviewer casually jotted down a few notes.

Mrs. Wilson looked up and smiled, “Thank you Mr. Milton, we will inform you if you got the job by the end of the week.” Milton pounded his chest with his fist twice then flashed a peace sign proclaiming, “Fo shizzle mah nizzle” before leaving the room.

Author: TawdrySoup.Com

I am a satire writer from the middle of nowhere. My work appears all over the internet. Please visit my website www.tawdrysoup.com where we give away millions of dollars every day! CHEERS!

1 thought on “Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed

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