Washington 2011: The official cause of America’s loss in the Afghanistan war has been traced to an openly gay soldier.
The unidentified soldier, known as “Pretty Tony “ by his fellow soldiers, enlisted soon after the military dropped its opposition to allowing openly gay soldiers to get their legs blown off like everyone else.
John McCain, R-Arizona, crowing on Fox New Sunday explained, “Although in the history of mankind no world power ever conquered Afghanistan, this proves war is only for the pure and the righteous.
“Gays can‘t kill people because they’re all caught up with putting on lipstick and fixing their hair and such. Only good people can kill people and gays are not good people! Now let‘s start the war over again, and this time, NO HOMOS!”
According to official U.S Government documents, the ending of the war went like this: Pretty Tony, an openly gay service member, was supposed to press a magic button to kill all the Taliban fighters, but he got shot dead by a serviceman from Indiana who was blinded by the flames of hatred fanned by America’s conservative congressmen and right-wing press against gay people.
The serviceman shot Pretty Tony in the head, killing him instantly. Since Pretty Tony didn’t push the magic button, America lost the war.
After reading a description of the scenario that led to the downfall of America’s bizarre attempt to build a nation out of a bunch of oxen-brained poppy farmers, John McCain could only say, “See, I told you so, now let’s have a real war…”
Ed note to John McCain: War is SUPER gay.