ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”
According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men.
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So it stands to reason that whoever invented “that cancer crawling around on my beautiful planet,” as God has referred to man on more than one occasion, has the ability to pull the plug on a whim.
However, the Midwestern mind meld known as “The Hutaree,” a name the organizers claim means “Christian warrior,” has determined that for the rapture to be successful, Jesus will need the help of a handful of gun-happy rednecks. “Believe me, if we do decide to do some Revelatin’ on you idiots, unless you got a volcano gun, you better put your head between your legs and kiss it goodbye,” said Jesus.