Google Buys Wikileaks for an Undisclosed $30 Billion USD

Mountain View, CA- In what is likely the fastest negotiated buyout in history, mega-corporation Google will purchase the redheaded stepchild of the information age,, from founder J. Paul Assange for a staggering, undisclosed sum of $30 billion USD.

An unidentified source has confirmed the money will changed hands, making accused condom-hater Assange one of the richest men on earth. How Google plans to dole out unreleased Wikileaks information was not addressed in the leaked statement.

Google, which started as a lowly search engine on a par with Ask Jeeves, now has access to cables and search engine data so secret it can not only influence world leaders, but incriminate anyone who has ever used the popular internet search engine or gmail.

“The ramifications of the Wikileaks buyout are huge. What we are now trying to figure out is how the information age, which was supposed to set us free from oppression, has somehow managed to enslave us and make us beholden to one corporate entity,“ says info-tech expert, Roberta Smithley-who recently found out she was a lesbian after Googling herself.

“I reject that idea,” says neo-fascist commentator and laissez-faire freakonimist, Paul Fragelstein.

“Information is like a commodity, and like any commodity, it can be bought and sold. When someone has a corner on the market, everyone must respect that and be ready for the repercussions. And contrary to what some liberals might want, I don‘t think the U.S. Government is going to get in an anti-monopoly lather over this latest revelation in the business world. In fact, I expect government officials of every stripe to hop in bed with Google post-haste.”

On a related note, Sweden has confirmed that after a brief conversation with Google officers, the Swedish officials and witnesses involved in rape charges filed against Assange have capitulated and all charges dismissed. Next stop for Assange is Hollywood, where a movie about his life is in the works, according to a Hollywood insider.

Author: TawdrySoup.Com

I am a satire writer from the middle of nowhere. My work appears all over the internet. Please visit my website where we give away millions of dollars every day! CHEERS!