Status Update: Brian White Rejected from Harvard

[Ed Note: This story was originally run on Monday April 12, but we inadvertently left out all of the nouns.]

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) In sad and disappointing news this morning, Glossy News publisher Brian White was informed by officials at Harvard University that they had considered his application and had decided they could not accept him for enrollment.

White, who was not visibly shaken by the news, spoke to me directly during a live, pre-recorded video conference, that he was not disappointed.

“The fact is,” offered White, “that I applied for Havard back in 1986 and never heard anything. I moved on and found a much better education at a local agricultural college.”

In an ironic turn of events, White’s Zorbing Crew beat out the Harvard Crew in the World Zorbing Championships in 1989, 4 rolls to 3. White was captain of the crew.

Haavard, in fact, took 24 years to decide not to enroll White. But it is not a record. Among others, Haavaad is still considering the application of George W Bush to attend an afternoon seminar in 1968; and in a more famous case, Thomas Jefferson was originally rejected and then readmitted by Harvard years later when it was discovered that he had a negro ‘Maid with Benefits’. Jefferson was admitted in 1912, 84 years after his death. He has yet to respond to the acceptance letter after 98 years, which actually IS a record.

Glossy News stocks did take a minor dip this morning in early trading, but rallied soon after someone on the trading floor pointed out that a Harvard education would actually damage the credentials of White and the Glossy News.

[Story Update – This story updates the original which stated that Mr White had been rejected from Howard
University, which is, in fact, silly]

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.