Author: Phil Maggitti
Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops
WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin. If your…
Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication last year, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they “cannot seek…
Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death
Iconic author J.D. Salinger is alive and well and resting comfortably on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, according to an Associated Content report. Mr. Salinger, 91, is thought to have returned to his first love, the sea, because he…
NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better
WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ – NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the…
Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s…
Al Gore Claims Credit for Inventing the Toilet Cam
BOSTON, Mass. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting here this weekend that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Glossy…
SpaghettiOs® Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh
CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs®, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs® and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955…
Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American
DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown.
Dick Cheney Blasts Americans for Letting Terrorists Win
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the…
McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept…