CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs®, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs® and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three.

Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since developing a technique for removing the water and the flavor from real soup several decades before, but change was on the menu. Continue Reading

This article was written and published as a satire on the fiscal state of wasteful celebrities, specifically Nicolas Cage, who has earned vast fortunes but still went broke. We learned that some have taken this farce as fact, but wish to set the record straight. This story IN NO WAY reflects upon Mr. Morrison and he has NOT filed for bankruptcy. He was simply chosen because his music has remained timelessly brilliant throughout the decades.

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter,” said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party. Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit the number of times a CD can be played in the home. Continue Reading

BOSTON, Mass. – Singles who were kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking up over the holidays are launching a new dating site called PrettyFaces.com. Continue Reading

Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations between the signs of the zodiac and small appliances and by steering the reader through the intersections between motor vehicles and astrological forecasts. Now he reveals for the first time the effects of herbs and spices on a variety of human endeavors. This information will allow you to reap the benefits of the seeds planted by astrologer Cyrus McCormick, who once said, “To everything there is a seasoning.” Continue Reading

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Zamfir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones (no relation) is responsible. Continue Reading

The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room on Christmas Eve. Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a reserve guard, strapped up after they had argued about a gambling debt following practice, a team official said. Continue Reading

Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.  “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart. I’ll always love Yang and his bright, active approach to life, but it’s time for me to move on.” Continue Reading

A major study conducted at the London Institute for Prostate Cancer has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free.

This conclusion was reached after researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than 300,000 men. Continue Reading

President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president said that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery. Continue Reading