WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter,” said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party.
Calling Americans “a nation of sniveling weasels,” the vice president rattled off a list of “corrosive behaviors of which all Americans are guilty at one time or another.”
According to Mr. Cheney, the terrorists win every time if we park illegally in a handicapped zone, especially when it’s raining; if we download pirated music or movies; if we don’t pay our library fines; if we smoke marijuana or say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”
Terrorists also cop the cherry if we cheat on our income taxes; if we don’t scoop up after our dogs; if we subscribe to magazines like The Progressive or Newsweek; if we buy knock-off watches and leatherware; legalize same-sex marriage or stop at a foreign-owned Dunkin’ Donuts®.
We assume the position for terrorists’ if we don’t use four-digit extensions on ZIP codes; if we eliminate red meat from our diets; if we lie about our ages; encrypt data files on our computers; abandon water boarding; provide fair trials for terror suspects or “bend over frontward” to appease the United Nations.
Although Mr. Cheney’s remarks drew full-throated, bloodthirsty laughter from his audience, he drew his most fevered response when he bit the head off a rubber Obama doll and urinated down its neck.
I think we’re all glad Dick has now decided to climb back in his sheath and keep ranting away to himself instead.
Well, most of the time, anyway.
Dontcha just miss old ‘Blood and Guts’ Dick?