WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter,” said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party.
Calling Americans “a nation of sniveling weasels,” the vice president rattled off a list of “corrosive behaviors of which all Americans are guilty at one time or another.”
According to Mr. Cheney, the terrorists win every time if we park illegally in a handicapped zone, especially when it’s raining; if we download pirated music or movies; if we don’t pay our library fines; if we smoke marijuana or say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”
Terrorists also cop the cherry if we cheat on our income taxes; if we don’t scoop up after our dogs; if we subscribe to magazines like The Progressive or Newsweek; if we buy knock-off watches and leatherware; legalize same-sex marriage or stop at a foreign-owned Dunkin’ Donuts®.
We assume the position for terrorists’ if we don’t use four-digit extensions on ZIP codes; if we eliminate red meat from our diets; if we lie about our ages; encrypt data files on our computers; abandon water boarding; provide fair trials for terror suspects or “bend over frontward” to appease the United Nations.
Although Mr. Cheney’s remarks drew full-throated, bloodthirsty laughter from his audience, he drew his most fevered response when he bit the head off a rubber Obama doll and urinated down its neck.