McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s.

“I was a walking MASH unit,” he said.

According to Mr. McGwire, “Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something I wish I was able to do five years ago—the chance to talk about my life with Jesus.

“I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected: Mark McGwire has been a born-again Christian for a long time.”

Mr. McGwire said he had hoped to come clean when he testified before a congressional committee five years ago, “but they never asked me about Jesus. All they wanted to talk about was steroids, and I don’t know anything about steroids—except that they mimic the growth effect that can be achieved legally through prayer.

“I don’t regret praying,” Mr. McGwire continued, “I just wish I had played during an era when prayer was more acceptable—when you didn’t have to hide your religion for fear of being called a fag or something. Today’s players cross themselves openly when the come up to the plate; and they frequently point to heaven after they club one out the park. If only people had had the nerve to do that when I was playing.”

Mr. McGwire admitted that he “started using prayer” more than twenty years ago.

“I remember using prayer briefly in the 1989-1990 off season; then after I was injured in 1993, I used prayer again. I used it more frequently during the ’90s, including the 1998 season, when I was praying nearly every day and hitting seventy home runs.

“I’m sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never started praying, but that misses the point. I don’t pray for home runs now. I pray that I’ll make it into Cooperstown one day. I don’t want that honor for myself, but for Jesus, who grants all wishes through prayer.”

Author: Phil Maggitti

Phil Maggitti is a freelance writer and editor living in a world of virtual reality with his wife, two pug dogs, a Boston terrier, four cats, and a constant supply of gummy worms. His virtual address is www.karmasutranews.com.

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