BOSTON, Mass. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting here this weekend that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Glossy News late yesterday, Mr. Gore declared: “I developed the toilet cam originally just to mess with Tipper and the kids. It (the toilet cam) was something I did in my spare time after I had gotten the Internet up and running.”
Eventually Mr. Gore and his family tired of the home movies the vice president put together from his toilet-cam footage.
“It was so embarrassing when my father would show pictures of me on the john to my boyfriends,” said Mr. Gore’s younger daughter, Sarah LaFon Gore Lee.
The toilet cam might have remained simply another one of the madcap Gore’s forgotten wacky “inventions” were it not for his involvement in the global-warming and conservation fields—and his promotion of hybrid cars and energy-efficient light bulbs.
“I suspected there was more I could be doing to save the planet,” said Mr. Gore. “Then one day I realized I had completely overlooked the pernicious effect of courtesy flushes on our nation’s water supply.”
The courtesy flush, as its name implies, is a rapid, surgically precise flush of the toilet at the exact moment of defecation so as to minimize the social consequences of Number Two.
“The conventional toilet uses five gallons of water per flush,” said the vice president. “The courtesy flush doubles that figure—even in low-volume, foot-powered toilets that use only 1.6 gallons per flush. You do the math.”
In what is certain to be a controversial suggestion, Mr. Gore will propose to ALA members that toilet cams be installed in all public restrooms. The move, he asserts, will create not only jobs but also a significant reduction in water use.
“If people know they’re being watched when they’re in the can,” said the vice president,”they won’t be so cavalier about wasting water on a courtesy flush. Besides, if they ate more green, they wouldn’t need a courtesy flush in the first place. Just ask Tipper if you don’t believe me.”