Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American

This article was written and published as a satire on the fiscal state of wasteful celebrities, specifically Nicolas Cage, who has earned vast fortunes but still went broke. We learned that some have taken this farce as fact, but wish to set the record straight. This story IN NO WAY reflects upon Mr. Morrison and he has NOT filed for bankruptcy. He was simply chosen because his music has remained timelessly brilliant throughout the decades.

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown.

“As God is my judge,” wrote Mr.Morrison, 64, “I have no idea how things came to such a sorry pass.”

According to friends of the reclusive singer, Mr. Morrison has always had “a cavalier attitude” toward money. He can’t be arsed with carrying any, and he barely glances at profit-and-loss statements when they are sent to him—unless he needs something on which to scribble another album’s worth of songs.

“I’ll tell you how bad that guy is,” said Mr. Morrison’s confidant Jerry Lee Lewis. “He don’t even know the woman who runs fourteen of his companies and manages his tours. How [messed] up is that?”

Mr. Lewis was referring to Texas-born Gigi Lee, 42, who does indeed command fourteen of Mr. Morrision’s companies and who recently gave birth to the singer’s latest son—George Ivan Morrison III. When Mr. Morrison was informed via his website that Ms. Lee, who also manages the website, had presented him with a son, he flashed his trademark scowl and muttered, “Never met the slattern.”

When he was shown a photo, published recently in London’s Daily Mail, of him and Ms. Lee backstage at a concert in California, Mr. Morrison mumbled, “Oh, that Gigi Lee. Stupid slattern. Only mer her once.”

In addition to having denied that he ever knew Ms. Lee, Mr. Morrison also denied knowing that he had a website until two weeks ago. He further denied through a statement issued by his publicist, whom Mr. Morrison claims never to have met, that he (Mr. Morrison) is a legal resident of Ireland; that he was ever in a band called THEM; that he wears a hat all the time because he’s bald; and that he had ever listened to Rod Stewart’s version of “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You.”

In related news, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, who is credited with throwing the party where Van Morrison and Gigi Lee met in 1998, has issued a statement saying, “1998? I can’t say that I remember 1998.”

NOTE: This story is satirical (NOT factual) and there is no intention on the part of GlossyNews to impune the personal and business reputation of Van Morrison or his companies. For the avoidance of doubt, Mr. Morrison has NOT filed for bankruptcy and neither he nor his companies are insolvent.

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7 comments on “Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American

  1. Funniest spoof I’ve read in a while, good stuff. The Jerry Lee Lewis part just about killed me, but the part about commanding 14 companies was still the best bit.

  2. This article totally tricked me… for like 5-seconds! What a gem. Love it guys, keep it up!

    FYI, just went to iTunes and bought the whole ’67 album from Van the Man. Brilliant stuff homies. Thanks for bringing it back to my for-front. Dig it like a ditch full of groovy tunes, baby dolls!

  3. I hope the disclaimer is a joke. It’s a joke, right? I can’t believe Van the Man would his fans like that. It’s clearly a joke. Is this a double-joke? I love Van the Man, I can’t believe he’d be such a total dick. You’re tugging my chain, right?

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