Author: The San Francisco Onion
Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody
A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop. North Pole law enforcement…
Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller
The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list. Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also…
Woman Chops Off Finger to Avoid Workplace Safety Rally
SAN FRANCISCO, California – A cafeteria employee cut off one of her own fingers with a butcher’s knife in an “act of desperation” after a co-worker reminded her that 99 days had elapsed since someone had been injured in a…
Shia LaBeouf Makes Cameo in ‘Black Friday IV’ Trailer
Shia LaBeouf plays a sexy, sharpshooting stranger in the new live-action trailer for “Black Friday IV,” due out Nov. 7 for PlayStation and XBox. The minute-long trailer, set in the post-Thanksgiving Day ruins of a large retail outlet, features a…
John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey
John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling. “I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any…
Israel Kicks Off Palestinian Space Program
An Exodus rocket launched three Israeli astronauts and 100 Palestinian refugees into orbit Wednesday, kicking off a ten-year mission to establish a permanent human colony on the surface of Mars. The rocket roared into mostly clear skies from the Gaza…
North Carolina Cracks Down on Plumber’s Crack
State representatives of North Carolina have introduced a bill that, if passed, would “clarify” an already existing state law to prohibit the display of butt cracks. The proposed legislation, House Bill (_!_), would make it a Class Preparation H felony…
Kim Jong-un Places 2nd in North Korean Barbecue Competition
It was merely a common single rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-un’s 2nd place finish this weekend at the First Annual North Korean BBQ Blowout in Pyongyang. State media praised the supreme leader of North Korea for his grilling expertise, noting…
Beavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre’s Windshield
Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre’s car, according to a police report. The…
Teenager Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre, Sean Hannity
National Rifle Association CEO and gun-rights martyr Wayne LaPierre likely was not expecting to be shot at as he celebrated the day after Gun Appreciation Day by shooting off his mouth with Sean Hannity on the Fox Comedy Network. LaPierre…