John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey

John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!”

Though it’s difficult to say, comments from Boehner and his colleagues seem to indicate that they still intend to hold America hostage because they don’t like a landmark health care bill that passed through Congress, was signed by the President, and became a law.

He declined to answer a question about whether he believes the House would back a resolution to finally end affordable health care for the majority of Americans once and for all. “I’m not going to get into a whole lot of speckle-lation,” he said, repeating that “I need to sit down if we are to about to continue to half this conservation.”

A weeping Boehner said on Sunday that the House of Representatives had the votes to pass such a measure, but other vote tallies indicate he may have been seeing double.

Asked about allowing a vote on a “clean” bill to fund the government with no strings attached in order to end the shutdown, Boehner seemed to dodge the question.

“What the …” he said as his legs turned to rubber for a moment. He collapsed in a heap, laughing. “Oh my God! Did you see that?”

“Doo, dee, doo, doo,” he hummed, crawling out of the room on all fours.