Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

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4K Glossy News Podcast 049 (6-27-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again this week with so much more killer stuff from the show.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the May 16th edition.

* Deep Analytics: Why Trump will lose and lose badly in November – In this in-depth segment I go through the works of Sam Wang, Pollster, the various 270toWin pundits, and even the betting markets. Yes, tiny-fingers Trump will lose in November, and lose badly. He’ll be out-spent, out classed and generally made to look like the loser he is. Ya fired, little Don. Ya fired. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 049 (6-27-16)

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Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that! Read more Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

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The UK Will Never Leave Europe: But Will We Have the Courage to Leave the EU?

Behind the distortions and exaggerations of both sides, one fact remains unshakable:

Europe is not the EU.

A ‘stay’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to remain in Europe.

A ‘leave’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to leave Europe. Read more The UK Will Never Leave Europe: But Will We Have the Courage to Leave the EU?

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Do We Know How to Spot the Dictator’s Pronoun? (Just No Idea, Have We)

The glorious Fuhrer has brought each one of US peace and stability…

Comrade Lenin inspires US all to move forward to win our freedom, under the banner of proletarian scientific socialist Marxist-Leninist thought.

But the evil Arab Muslim tyrant Assad is killing his own people, WE can’t just sit there!!!

Look, WE made a few mistakes in our foreign policy but well hey, what can I say! Shit happens, gotta go with the flow, right?

Read more Do We Know How to Spot the Dictator’s Pronoun? (Just No Idea, Have We)

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4K Glossy News Podcast 048 (6-20-16) – Roy Zimmerman Edition

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again and this week it’s all about musical satirist Roy Zimmerman!

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the June 20th edition, but really, it’s all about Roy Zimmerman in one way or another.

* An exclusive backstage interview with Roy Zimmerman from his show in Seattle at the Phinney Ridge Neighborhood Center, sponsored by the Seattle Folklore Society. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 048 (6-20-16) – Roy Zimmerman Edition

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Ken ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone Loses His Shit over ‘Jewish Media’ Lies

Genial wheeler-dealer, establishment radical politico wide boy/white boy and notable non-racist not-quite-Marxist-but-kinda-getting-there-a-little-bit-vulgar-Corbynite-tankie-lad Ken Livingstone…

Is currently being interrogated by Labour for his recent antisemitic comments.

http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/06/ken-livingstone-faces-music-home-affairs-select-committee/

Here’s Ken ‘Cheeky Chappie’ Livingstone’s latest Del-Boyishly-winsome Youtube rant:

OY! Listen ‘ere, yer FAHCKING MAHPPET! Ah ain’t got no time for this here sneaky Tory bollocks, innit! Read more Ken ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone Loses His Shit over ‘Jewish Media’ Lies

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Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse

In a recent article, Justin Raimondo of Antiwar.com wrote about notable neocon intellectual and prominent thought-leadership advocate Max Boot’s comments on Trump: apparently, he would prefer to vote for Stalin than Donald Trump.

(So, at least he doesn’t believe in so-called ‘moral equivalence.’ He’s being a good neocon, then!) Read more Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse

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4K Glossy News Podcast 047 (6-13-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again this week with more great joking around and fun stuff.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the June 13th, 2016 edition.

* CD & Game store clerked asked “Can I help you find something?” And the answer was clearly no because the question was impossible… but he still somehow knew the answer. Amazing how good customer service can be. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 047 (6-13-16)

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

And the utter soul-destroying horseshit goes on.

So, what else do we know about Moderate Daesh? Well, the Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPIs (Moderate Political Islamists) the Muslim Brotherhood, always wear a condom…

Even when they are plunging the fear of God into the besuffered little children who are coming unto them, rather than into full grown men and big boys and their upright plastic Johnsons like you and me!!!

Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPI counterparts in Tunisia, do not believe in torturing alcohol sellers to death. Read more Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow… Read more Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

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Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Read more Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

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4K Glossy News Podcast 046 (6-6-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back again this week with with another insane podcast.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the June 6th, 2016 edition.

* The worst designed feature (or lack thereof) of portable SD card speakers. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 046 (6-6-16)

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Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself

Recently, leading scientists have invented a Donald Trump Generator that is 100% indistinguishable from the ‘real’ thing! See the follow excerpt, to see just how real the merely robotic, mindless and mind-numbing repetitive ramblings of this kitschy, cheap-ass imitation of the Trump can be: Read more Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself

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