Being a sports fan in Cleveland does not make for an easy life, considering the the rollercoaster of emotions the teams from the region have put their supporters through.
The Cleveland Browns are renowned for their collapses in the 1980s in the two AFC Championship matches against the Denver Broncos, nicknamed ‘The Drive’ and ‘The Fumble’.
Broncos quarterback John Elway led a 99-yard drive to lead his side to the Super Bowl, breaking Browns’ hearts, while one year later running back Ernest Byner fumbled on the goalline against the same opponent, spurning the chance to tie the game.
Cleveland have endured similar horror shows in the world of basketball and baseball. A young man by the name of LeBron James aimed to break the ‘Cleveland Curse’ after being drafted first overall by his home state club in 2003. Read more LeBron breaks the Cleveland curse ›
[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]
Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.
Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?
GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –
Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?
GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?
Trump: You left out people with disabilities.
GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?
Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.
GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?
Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.
GN: So you really don’t want to be president?
Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.
GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?
Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?
GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?
Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.
GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?
Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”
GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?
Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.
GN: Mind sharing a few?
Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.
GN: Wow! Did it help?
Trump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”
GN: That must keep you up at night.
Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”
GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?
Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.
GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?
Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”
VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?
Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.
VFTB: How is that even possible?
Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”
GN: How is that even possible?
Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”
GN: So what are you going to do about it?
Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.
GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?
Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.
GN: On what grounds?
Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.
GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.
Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?
The 4K/UHD podcast is back again this week with so much more killer stuff from the show.
All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.
Here are the topics covered in the the May 16th edition.
* Deep Analytics: Why Trump will lose and lose badly in November – In this in-depth segment I go through the works of Sam Wang, Pollster, the various 270toWin pundits, and even the betting markets. Yes, tiny-fingers Trump will lose in November, and lose badly. He’ll be out-spent, out classed and generally made to look like the loser he is. Ya fired, little Don. Ya fired. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 049 (6-27-16) ›
(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.
The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”
Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”
Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”
The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”
It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”
Another AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”
Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”
An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”
The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.
Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.
Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”