Month: May 2013
A Realists Guide to Goals and, Whatever
1. Set goals. This is probably the most important part in achieving them. 2. If you suck at something, give up. I know people say, “If at first you don’t succeed…” yada yada, but come on, do you want to…
Black Rescuer Lucky He Didn’t Get His Ass Thrown In Jail During Rescue
It fortunately went so miraculously well. A girl held hostage for ten years breaks free of her bonds and manages to get to the door of her captors house. She yells through the mail slot that she needs help and…
Mother’s Day Often Celebrated Just Plain Wrong (comic)
Maybe you have mommy issues, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you’re in that in-between realm where you’re not sure if you do or not. Spoiler alert, you have mommy issues. What did YOU do for your mother on Mother’s Day,…
Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House
The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009….
Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies
Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College. According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on…
Arbor Day a Real Holiday, Many Celebrate (comic)
It makes sense. All you have to do to honor Arbor Day is plant some trees. It’s the day of trees, after all. Find a good spot with some sunshine, throw down a seedling, call it a day, right? It…
Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week. The spider, which…
The Diminished Quality of Our American Hippies
I am writing this out of concern for the quality of hippies we have here in America at the moment. The other day I overheard a small group of alternative types in a natural food store discussing how they were…
Return of Christ Announced (comic)
We’ve all wondered when He’d get around to returning. At the sermon on the mount he said he’d return before the last of them in attendance had died, but what a kidder that Christ was, for the love of God….
The BRAIN Initiative: Obama’s Announcement
Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions. He noticed through the window the…