New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.
The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control.
After graduating valedictorian of her high school and later receiving her undergraduate degree in political science, Christie’s daughter will attend and graduate from Harvard Business School.
With her father serving as the current president, Bridget will be offered seventeen high paying positions. Having grown up ingrained with the belief that the killing of arachnids and other insects is noble, she will decide to work for the agrochemical industry as a lobbyist for Bayer CropScience.
As a successful lobbyist, Bridget will convince congress and her father against regulations in the high-tech insecticides industry. Without measures prohibiting the overuse of dangerous chemicals, the insecticides industry will wipe out honeybee populations in the United States.
Without the honeybee colonies that are critical for meeting the pollination demands of many agricultural crops, food production in the U.S. will decline rapidly, beginning years of famine and leading to the tragic end of Western society.
Though they condemn his action, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is currently thrilled that the impending fall of the U.S. is to be blamed on Chris Christie killing a spider and not the genetically engineered bear wasps they will later release from secret government testing facilities.
Unless the spider had it’s stomach stapled, it wasn’t a fair fight. Why hasn’t the stapling gotten more attention. It’s a huge deal. Get on that, media.